Ashes of Victory
by StarryNight
Summary: Victory is not the ending of the battles. SLASH. Finally, an *update*!
1. Rejection

Ashes of Victory  
By: Liz  
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am using them for fun, not profit. If you sue me, all you'll get are my many, many college loans.  
Rating: R  
Pairing: Harry/Draco  
Author's Notes: I really can't explain this. I was in a dark mood when I started it, and it's been writing itself ever since. Not everything is always happy, but it should turn fluffy by the end :)  
Archiving: Anywhere, just keep my name and disclaimers attached.  
Feedback is always appreciated. Flames will be laughed at, forwarded to my friend so she can laugh at them, and then forever ignored.  
  
**********  
  
It was over.  
  
After six years of struggles, two of which arose out of Voldemort's return, it was finally over. The Dark Lord was dead, and the whole of the wizarding world rejoiced.  
  
Harry Potter had been the one to strike the death blow. Flanked by the expected forms of Ron, Hermione, and Snape, and bolstered by the unexpected Draco Malfoy, Harry was finally able to end the life and reign of the being who had been trying to make Harry's life a living Hell for so long.  
  
'So,' Harry mused as he stared out a window, 'why am I not happy?'  
  
The answer to that was incredibly obvious if you knew what was going on. Even though he had saved the lives of countless thousands, he was now hated by most of his friends-'Former friends,' Harry corrected himself with a sigh.  
  
Even though Voldemort was dead, Harry was still bearing the fallout of the battle. To stop Voldemort, Harry had been forced to use the darkest of the Unforgivable curses. And it worked, too...except his actions had been met with disapproval and scorn.  
  
Not from anyone official-as if Harry cared about their opinions, anyway. No, he was lauded as a hero by the Ministry, given praise and accolades, but Harry cared for none of it. What was the approval of people he didn't care about compared to the hatred of those he did care about?  
  
Ron and Hermione were the first to turn. They had witnessed Harry's actions, and couldn't believe that Harry could do such a thing, breaking every code and thought the three had always held dear.  
  
With his best friends turning against him, the rest of the school, who might've dismissed the whole incident as a rumor, turned against him as well. Some-especially those who still held Cedric's death against him-openly, others, but no less painful, quietly. Even the staff was hard pressed to know how to feel. They settled the matter by treating Harry a bit cooler than normal, but otherwise acted as if nothing was wrong.  
  
Only four people appeared to not hate Harry. Dumbledore firmly believed that Harry did what was needed, and that this did not change Harry as a person. Hagrid remained unwavering in his faith in Harry, and was upset with Ron and Hermione, often muttering things along the lines of 'if they could remember what it was like when You-Know-Who was in power the *first* time, they wouldn't be blamin' poor Harry.'  
  
Snape also believed that Harry did the right thing. It made Harry's head spin, sometimes, when he reflected on how quickly that his least-liked professor became his favorite. Potions had become his most bearable class for that reason alone-Gods knew that the presence of Slytherins that had always despised him and Gryffindors who viewed him as a vile betrayer certainly didn't make the class go more smoothly.  
  
Draco kept his own counsel, though. He never did anything to Harry, though he never openly defended Harry originally, either, and he made it clear that he was watching Harry. At first, this behavior unnerved Harry, and he found himself tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop, until four days after classes had resumed again, a week after Voldemort's defeat. Harry had been walking down the corridor, when he heard a voice saying things about him. Harry was fully prepared to ignore the words, and did so, until they were cut off by a pained gasp.  
  
Harry had turned to see his tormentor, a seventh-year Ravenclaw, doubled over and clenching his stomach while Draco rubbed his fist. Eyeing the now pathetic-looking figure, he drawled, "You should be *thanking* the person who saved your Muggle-born ass instead of insulting him."  
  
Harry had tried to thank Draco, but Draco had shook his head and walked away, 'escorting' the Ravenclaw to Dumbledore's office.  
  
It was a week later, and Harry realized that he had had enough.  
  
Enough of the words, the looks, the backbiting. Enough of not feeling welcome in his own House. He hadn't been sleeping in his bed for almost two weeks now, and nobody noticed, or cared, presumably. It was becoming more of an effort than it was worth to stay.  
  
Harry tore his eyes from the window he had been staring out of, and realized he was late for Transfigurations. He was about to rush off out of habit, when he stopped himself. 'What does it matter if I cut class if I'm leaving, anyway?'  
  
With his mind made up, Harry ran off to his dorm room and paused, the first time he'd set foot inside in a week. Shrugging off his hesitation, he entered the room and noticed that his bed curtains were still closed and that his belongings were untouched. 'So...they really didn't care, after all.' Ignoring his hurt, he began to pack a bag.  
  
Harry only took the time to write a note for whenever people *did* decide to look for him. Placing the note on his pillow, he closed his curtains again and picked up his broom. Moving to the door, he paused and turned at the threshold, memories surging over him. Suppressing his tears, Harry murmured, "Goodbye, my friends. You will always be with me." Unable to bear it any longer, he raced out the door and away from the only true home he had ever known.  
  
********** 


	2. Escape

Draco was officially worried. Transfigurations was over, and Harry had never shown up.  
  
'He's been withdrawn, yes, but he's never missed a class before,' he mused. Just as he was considering trying to go up to Gryffindor Tower to check on Harry, he heard Hermione's voice. Draco tensed in anger-he was furious with both Hermione and Ron for their treatment of their supposed best friend-but he realized that, being Gryffindors, they might know something about Harry. Carefully keeping himself out of view, he listened.  
  
"Ron, I think this has gone far enough."  
  
"'Mione, how can you say that? You know what he did!"  
  
"Yes, but maybe we were too harsh. Look at whom he was up against."  
  
"But-"  
  
"But nothing, Ron! I was upset with him, yes, but what if he only did what he had to do? Voldemort wouldn't have been so kind to *us*, that's for sure."  
  
"Listen to her, Weasley." Draco came around the corner. "You don't really know what he did to his enemies. I, sadly, do."  
  
"You stay out of this," Ron snarled. "What do you know, anyway?"  
  
"I was *there*, same as you. I saw what was happening, just as you did. If you weren't so *blind*...but that's neither here nor there right now. I just wanted to know if you knew where Harry was."  
  
Hermione bit her lip. "I...we don't know. I wanted to talk to him, to apologize to him, but he never showed up." She looked at Ron. "Have you seen him today-he's your roommate."  
  
Ron shook his head. "We all leave before he gets up, and go to bed after his curtains are closed. We only see him at class if we can help it."  
  
Hermione sighed in exasperation. "Ron...."  
  
Draco cut into the budding argument. "If you two are going to discuss this, could one of you kindly give me your password? I, for one, *am* worried about Harry, and would like to check on him."  
  
Hermione nodded. "No need for that-I'll come with you, and so will Ron." Her tone overruled any potential argument.  
  
When they reached the sixth-years' room, Draco immediately noticed the closed curtains. "Maybe he's sleeping," he said softly.  
  
Ron moved to his bed, bent on ignoring everyone, while Hermione looked at the curtained bed. "I hope so, but...better check, Draco."  
  
Bracing himself for anything, Draco opened the curtains, and saw nothing...nothing except for a couple of pieces of parchment. Picking them up curiously, Draco looked at them, saw one was blank and the other covered with writing. He glanced at the words curiously, then sat down heavily on the bed, reading. "You might want to see this," he croaked, beckoning Hermione closer. Ron, his curiosity piqued, joined them, and the three read the letter Harry had written.   
  
~~You can use this map to your heart's content-all it will tell you is that I am not here. I know I am hated and feared, but for what? Doing what had to be done? If Voldemort hadn't been stopped then and there, we'd all have died. So someone had to do it. Ron and Hermione would never have been able to-their hatred of me now only serves to support that. Professor Snape was at the end of his strength and fighting off Cruciatus-he simply *couldn't* do it. Draco...Draco had enough pain and regrets in that battle, thanks to his father. There was no need to add on any more. The rest of you weren't even there. So it was me. Besides, according to all the hype, I've been marked by Fate to be the one to finally defeat Voldemort. Who am I to spurn Fate?  
  
I don't really blame you for your hatred and scorn. I am, at times, annoyed-did you think that the Dark Lord himself could really be brought down by some minor schoolboy hex? Only Avada Kedavra itself could possibly hope to do any damage. And it did. The wizarding and muggle worlds are safe.  
  
I, however, am not. You have made it clear to me that I am not wanted around. You didn't even notice that I haven't slept here, or even been here, in over a week, and that I haven't talked-except in class-for about as long. I do not blame you, and I would rather die than stay to cause any of my friends-whether they still want the title or not, I will always think of them as friends-pain. So. This is all that's left of me. My battle was won with Voldemort's death. Now yours is gone with my leaving. Live the lives you've always been meant to leave.  
  
Love always,  
Harry~~   
  
The parchment fell from Draco's numb fingers onto the bed as the meaning sank in. "He's...gone? For real?" He looked at the blank piece of parchment and then at Hermione. "What map?"   
  
Picking up the paper, she touched her wand to it and uttered the password. After a minute, she sighed. "He's right. He isn't anywhere on here." Tears began to fall down her face.  
  
Ron took up Harry's note. "I don't believe it," he murmured. "How could he leave?"  
  
Draco, who had been staring into space, trying to process Harry's absence, came back to himself with a growl upon hearing that. "How could you even *ask* that question?" he snarled at Ron. "You're supposedly his best friend, and you've done nothing but try and make Harry's life a living Hell. And you *dare* ask how he could leave? With friends like you, I'm surprised he lasted as long as he did!"  
  
Ron stood, about to retort, but Draco cut off his words with an angry gesture. "Don't bother making any excuses, Weasley. You're supposed to *care* about him-and you shut him out to the degree that you didn't even know he wasn't here! You haven't cared about his whereabouts up until this moment-why start now?"  
  
Ron's fists clenched into balls, but he did not speak. Hermione dashed away a tear and sighed. "I hate to admit it," she said slowly, "but you're right."  
  
"Hermione! How could you agree with that--!"  
  
"Ron! He has a point. If we were Harry's friends, truly, shouldn't we have tried to understand, not to judge? Harry was right, nothing less could've killed him-we were blind not to see that. We're the ones that should be ashamed." She laughed, a bitter sound. "And here we've been seeing Draco here as Harry's enemy...when it was us who managed to drive him away."  
  
"But," Ron paused for a second, then continued. "But it wasn't just us. Everyone-"   
  
"And if 'everyone' jumped off a cliff, would you as well?" Draco's words were weary, but not hostile. "'Everyone' could have judged him from now until eternity, and it wouldn't have bothered Harry. Not with the support of his friends. But when they too turned against him...." Draco trailed off for a minute. "You didn't see him," he continued, whispering. "Every day, you didn't see him. Didn't see the way he looked every time you publicly snubbed him. I did, though. And it hurt. It hurt me, to see someone who should be feeling like the rest of you, on top of the world with peace restored, to be looking so sad. He saved us *all*, and all you could do was judge." He snorted. "And if Harry had let Voldemort live, rather than use an Unforgivable, you'd have hated him just as much. Did he have a hope of pleasing you?"  
  
"Draco-"   
  
"No, let me finish, Hermione. This needs to be said, and you need to hear it. You might've been ignoring Harry, but I wasn't. I wasn't, and Professor Snape wasn't, and the Headmaster wasn't. We saw what was happening. Somehow, I think that when you go to Dumbledore with this news, he won't be one bit surprised. Truthfully, I think I'm glad he left."  
  
Hermione couldn't remain silent. "You were just *defending* Harry-how can you now turn around and say you're glad you left?"  
  
Draco looked at her calmly. "Better that he left now," he said slowly, "than to stay and let his guilt and your anger drive him to something worse and more permanent."  
  
Hermione took a step backwards, stumbled, and fell to the floor. Looking at Draco, her eyes bright with fresh tears, she said, "You...you think he would have...?" She trained off, unable to finish the words, unable to even think it.  
  
"Kill himself?" Draco stated matter-of-factly. "Quite possibly. If some self-righteous person didn't get to him first. There's a lot of anger towards him, especially from those who still remember how Cedric died."  
  
Ron's face had gone completely white. "What have we done? What do we do?"  
  
Draco stood. "Go tell Dumbledore."  
  
"Draco? What about you?"  
  
He smiled at Hermione, a bitter thing. "I have an idea of where to look."   
  
He left before either of them could stop him.  
  
********** 


	3. Rescue

There were three main rules to a reasonably safe life at Hogwarts: the forest is forbidden, no magic should be used in the halls, and never interrupt one of Professor Snape's classes.  
  
Draco was about to break one of those rules, unspoken as it might be, but he deemed it a good cause. Timidly, he knocked on Snape's door, trying to think what lesson he might be interrupting. When Snape opened the door, Draco saw the second year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. Nothing important, then.  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow. "I was not aware it was visiting hours, Mr. Malfoy."  
  
Draco straightened his shoulders. "I need to talk to you alone. It's important."  
  
Snape stepped out into the corridor, closing the door. "I should hope so. What is it?"  
  
"Harry's gone. I need you to help me Apparate."  
  
Snape blinked. "Back up a second. He's gone?"  
  
Draco nodded. "Left a note and vanished. I think I know where he is, and you're the only one I trust to bring me there. I...I think time is of the essence here."  
  
Snape reacted to Draco's tone. "Very well." He dismissed his class and began walking, Draco falling into step beside him. "You do know we have to leave Hogwarts grounds; it might help if I knew where you would like us to go."  
  
Draco's voice was hollow as he responded, "The Final Battlefield."  
  
**********  
  
The wind whipped around Harry as he landed at a place that a part of him had hoped he'd never see again.  
  
He stepped forward, hand brushing against a stone. 'Where it began, where it ended.'  
  
Harry walked blindly, not stopping until he reached a particular gravestone. Sitting, he began to talk to it, using his own voice to combat the stifling silence.   
  
"Was there anything any of us could've done differently? Could I have stopped this when I was taken here and used to resurrect him? If I had been older when he killed my parents, could I have done something then?" His fingers traced the name carved into the stone. "If you could've seen what would happen in the future, would you have sired him?"  
  
Harry laughed, a bitter sound. "It's over. The battle has ended, but has it really? No one was happy while I was around-have I outlived my usefulness? Should I just die now, in hopes of letting the rest of the world live in peace?"  
  
A gasp shattered the stillness of the air; a gasp that Harry did not hear.  
  
**********  
  
Draco and Snape appeared in the graveyard. Snape drew his robe closer to his body, shivering as much from memories as from the biting wind.  
  
Draco ignored the chill, his focus on a slim form several feet away. He could almost feel the despair radiating off of Harry. Beside him, Draco could see Snape swallow, reacting to the utter hopelessness that Harry was projecting. 'I should do something,' Draco though to himself, but he was unable to move, unable to speak.  
  
Snape took a step forward. "Might I inquire what you are doing here?" he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.  
  
Harry didn't turn around to acknowledge the speaker. "This is where it all began-only fitting that it should end here."  
  
"But it has ended, Harry. You defeated Voldemort."  
  
"But at what cost? No, there is still a battle raging."  
  
"What battle?" Snape was doing his best to keep Harry focused on him, and not on whatever plans he feared that Harry had.  
  
"The one that rages every day." Harry didn't raise his voice, nor was there any emotion to it at all. He spoke calmly, as if discussing Quidditch scores. "They...they want it all. They wanted Voldemort dead. I gave them that. But they hate me for giving them what they want. Should I not have killed Voldemort? Because anything less than what I did would have resulted in that. You know that, and I know that."  
  
"Of course, Harry."  
  
"So why don't they?!" Harry's voice finally cracked, and Snape and Draco could hear the suppressed anguish. "This wasn't a petty childish rivalry here-this was as close to ultimate Evil as we can get! How could they think that anything less than an Unforgivable would even affect someone who *revels* in the use of those same curses? How could they consider his death something that should be punished? These are *Hogwarts* students-they knew as well as I did what needed to be done! Or they should've. But they don't. They instead choose to hate me for ridding the world of evil. I give up. Unless I end this, they'll never heal-and they deserve that chance."   
  
Draco finally found his voice. "How, Harry?" he rasped, voice raw with emotion. "How are you going to end it?"  
  
Harry laughed. "It began with me, and so shall it end with me." He drew a dagger out of his robes. He glanced over his shoulder at Draco and Snape. "Only fitting, I suppose, that two of the people who were there should witness this. Too bad Ron and Hermione aren't here-bet they'd love to see this show." With those words he positioned the dagger to drive it home.  
  
"No!" Draco shouted. He ran to Harry, intent on knocking the blade out of his hand. 'Almost there...almost....'  
  
Draco reached Harry just as the blade penetrated Harry's flesh. Frantically, Draco pulled back on Harry's arms, trying to minimize the damage done, but there was still blood, so much blood.... His hands went to cover the wound as he called out, "Help me! Please, help me!"  
  
Snape was by his side in an instant. He conjured up a bandage, but shook his head. "This damage is beyond me-we need to get him back to Hogwarts." Carefully, trying not to jostle the boy, Snape lifted Harry into his arms. Making sure Draco's hand was on his shoulder, he Apparated away, hoping he'd get back in time.   
  
**********  
  
Snape ignored the gasps, the questions, as he walked down the corridors with the bleeding boy in his arms. His attention was focused on two things alone-get Harry to the medical wing quickly, and making sure that he didn't lose the extremely pale Draco behind him.  
  
Draco hadn't said a word after his plea for help. Instead, he grasped Harry's hand, watching him, hoping he'd hang onto life. He looked up from Harry's face, and noticed they were almost to the Hospital Wing. 'Just a bit more, Harry, hold on a minute more....'  
  
Snape gently separated Draco from his burden. "Wait here, please. You know how Madam Pomfrey feels about unnecessary people in her hospital." He squeezed Draco's shoulder in an oddly reassuring gesture. "Everything will be fine."  
  
Draco watched as Snape and Harry disappeared, then leaned against the corridor wall, still in shock. He closed his eyes, collecting himself, until he heard a voice-one he couldn't ignore.  
  
Neville Longbottom was walking by the Hospital Wing when he spied Draco, covered with blood and trembling. "Malfoy? What in Merlin's name happened to you!"  
  
Draco's eyes flew open, and the numbness he had been feeling was quickly replaced by anger. He held up his hands, coated in Harry's blood. "See this, Longbottom?" he whispered hoarsely. "This is your handiwork, after all-yours and the rest of this school's. You should be rejoicing right now."  
  
Neville blinked. "Have you lost it, Draco? I did nothing to you-"  
  
"But you did plenty to *Harry*, didn't you? Didn't Granger and Weasley tell you? Harry left. He was found by Snape and I, and do you know what we found?" He continued before Neville could open his mouth. "We found Harry Potter, the person who saved us all, attempting to kill himself, because ignorant *bastards*  
like you were judging him on a situation that was unavoidable and was our only hope! He is in there right now, and I don't know if he's going to live or die, and it's *your fault*!" Draco collapsed to his knees and began to cry for the first time since finding Harry.  
  
Footsteps approached him, but Draco didn't acknowledge them. He heard the murmured sounds of conversation, but he wasn't aware. All he knew was the pain that was finally breaking over him in harsh, unforgiving waves. 'Harry...don't leave us...don't leave *me*....' 


	4. Enlightenment-aka Neville's Courage

"I don't know what else I can do." Inside the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey was trying her best to bring Harry back, and while his physical wounds were healing, he still wasn't responding. "This is beyond what I can deal with. It's almost as if he doesn't want to recover."  
  
Snape, who hadn't left Harry's side, despite many threats, let out a sarcastic-sounding chuckle. "I think I can safely say, Poppy, that if the young man tried to kill himself, then recovery wasn't foremost on his mind." He looked down at the pale figure. "Still...being unable to do anything...if only Black hadn't died...never thought I'd be wanting that man around, but...."  
  
"Well, he needs something that neither of us can provide, that's for certain. I wish I knew what, though."  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Absently, Snape picked up one of Harry's hands, held it between his own. "Have you been paying attention that what's going on in this school? The majority of the student body has reviled the poor boy as the worst sort of traitor. Even Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley have turned from him. I can't imagine that is a good atmosphere for him."  
  
"You know I try to stay away from these things, Severus. I heal, not fight. But, knowing this, I do not think that my original idea of asking Ron and Hermione to come down is a good one."  
  
"No, it is not. Perhaps Remus Lupin? I recall the two becoming close, and with the...relationship...he shared with Black, it might help in that respect as well."  
  
"Not possible. Remus...well, he didn't take Sirius' death well. I believe he's still at St. Mungo's."  
  
"Damn." Snape thought for a minute and frowned. "Poppy...it seems that what Harry feared has happened. He's alone, right now."  
  
"No, he's not."  
  
Madam Pomfrey looked up at the new voice. "Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Malfoy, you know better than to be in here right now." She ignored for the moment the fact that two students from rival houses seemed to be in each other's company peacefully.  
  
Neville ignored the mediwitch and guided Draco to Harry's bedside. He looked down at the pale, drawn face of his friend-'former friend,' his mind whispered. "So it's true, what Draco was saying," he whispered.  
  
"And what would that be, Mr. Longbottom?" Snape asked, standing and drawing himself back into his formidable pose. For once, though, Neville didn't even react.  
  
"That Harry tried to kill himself. That we were to blame." Neville's face was streaked with tears now. "Draco became hysterical-wouldn't let anyone bring him back to his dorm. I thought that...maybe if he saw Harry...but he's not fine."  
  
Snape didn't know if Neville was referring to Harry or Draco. The phrase seemed to apply equally to them both, he mused, looking at Draco's glazed expression and swaying form. "For Merlin's sake, Mr. Longbottom, put Draco in that chair before both of you end up collapsing."  
  
Neville complied, then looked up at Snape. "Professor? Is there anything I can do? I...I want to help." He looked down at Harry. "I never wanted to treat him like that...but it wasn't safe to do otherwise."  
  
Snape almost snapped at the boy, then thought better of it. "Rumors are doubtlessly already beginning to spread, Mr. Longbottom. Rumors that will end up doing much more harm than anything else." He drew out his wand and murmured a spell. "Go to dinner and present this." He handed Neville an opalescent ball that had appeared.  
  
"But...that's...you want me to project your memories?" Neville looked shocked.  
  
"Not all of them, you twit!" Snape was rapidly reaching the end of his near-nonexistent rope. "These are specifically the memories of what I saw when Draco and I went to retrieve Harry. They need to know just what they're doing."  
  
"Yes, sir." Neville turned to leave, then paused. "What about Draco?"  
  
"He will be fine here." Snape sighed. "I doubt that we could convince him to go anywhere else, actually."  
  
Neville left, and Snape sat back down, watching as Draco took a hold of one of Harry's hands. Madam Pomfrey watched the scene. "Do you think that was a good idea, Severus?"  
  
"I don't know, Poppy." He looked at Harry, willing the boy to do more than just breathe. "But it may be the only thing I can do."  
  
**********  
  
Neville paused outside the Great Hall, the importance of the task he had been given hitting him full-force. For a moment, the urge to turn and run far away was very tempting. However, Neville forced the desire away. 'I've never been brave, not really,' he thought. 'So often, I've done nothing, instead of doing what I knew was right. Not this time. This time I'm doing what I believe in.'   
  
Taking a deep breath, Neville walked into the great Hall and past the Gryffindor table, much to the confusion of his housemates. He continued, undaunted, until he had reached the main table.  
  
Dumbledore looked at Neville kindly. "Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Longbottom?"  
  
"Yes, yes there is." 'Breathe, Neville. You can do this.' "Professor Snape asked me to show something to the student body. It's important."  
  
"Then, by all means." Dumbledore signaled for silence, and in a moment, all eyes were upon Neville.  
  
Strangely, though, Neville wasn't scared anymore. He met his audience with a quiet courage. He paused for a moment, considering his words, then began to speak. "I have something for all of you, from Professor Snape. A message, if you will. If I could have your attention." All eyes were fixed upon him.   
  
Neville uttered the words to activate the spell, and found himself whisked into what Snape had seen. Having seen Harry not ten minutes ago in the hospital wing, looking three-quarters dead, Neville had thought that he was better prepared for what the memory had to offer.  
  
He was wrong. He could *feel* what Snape had felt-and right now, it was the waves of pain and self-hatred that Harry had been radiating. 'And it was his supposed friends that did this to him. No more. It stops now.'  
  
The memory eventually ended, with Snape, Harry, and Draco leaving the graveyard. Neville looked out onto the stunned student body. "There could have been more, you know. Professor Snape was there while Madam Pomfrey was trying to save Harry-he could've had me show you that. Or maybe you could've seen my memory, of how Harry looks laying there, due to a knife that was guided, not by his hand alone, but by yours and mine as well. Maybe Harry's memories could've been shown to you, every single bit of the pain that we *all* have put onto him that drove him to this. Harry Potter saved all of us-and this is the thanks we have given him.  
  
"I was never more ashamed of myself than when I realized just what my *silence* was doing to Harry. Maybe, if one of his friends had spoken for him, supported him, it would've helped. But I went along with the majority, and right now, I'm kicking myself while Harry pays the price. I have never been ashamed of being a Hogwarts student-there was never any reason to. But now...I feel like a worse criminal than Voldemort, knowing what I-what *we* have done."  
  
Neville paused for breath, looking at the still-stunned and now abashed student body. "And I hope you feel that way as well." He turned and ran from the silent Hall.  
  
After a few minutes, Dumbledore stood and spoke into the silence, "I owe a great debt to Mr. Longbottom, for showing you a truth that should've been shown to you before-that you should not have needed to be shown at all." His eye feel on every student in the room, it seemed. "One hundred points for Neville Longbottom, for having the courage to speak up when no one else would have."  
  
It was a long time before anyone stirred. 


	5. History Lesson

Neville quietly slipped back into the hospital wing and walked up to Snape. "It's done."  
  
Snape looked up from his study of Draco and Harry. "What was the reaction?"  
  
"Shock, speechless. More subdued." He looked at his friend and...whatever Draco was. "No change?"  
  
"None at all." Snape leaned back in his chair and rubbed his temples. Standing, he laid a hand on Neville's shoulder. Come with me, please. I'd like to talk to you."  
  
Snape led them to a place that was still in eyeshot of the boys, but out of earshot. Neville looked up at his Potions master. "What is it?"  
  
"I should be asking you that very same question. You look as if you need to unburden yourself."  
  
Neville sat on the edge of a cot, eyes glued to his hands, which were clenched in his lap. Silence, then, "I don't get it, Professor. I thought-I know I didn't support Harry, but I had thought that as long as I didn't say *anything*, it would be better. But it didn't work out that way. I never expected this much hated and prejudice. What happened?"  
  
Snape sighed and sat next to Neville. "'Your silence will not protect you,'" he muttered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tell me, Neville, do you take Muggle Studies?" Neville nodded. "Do you know anything about World War II?"  
  
"Well, yes. It was a Muggle war, in the 1940's. There were two theaters, the European and the Pacific. We didn't talk much about the Pacific, but we looked a lot at the European front, because...." Neville trailed off for a moment. "Because it was like Voldemort."  
  
"Yes. Just as Hitler was trying to create his 'pure' race, and killing those who did not belong, Voldemort wanted his pure wizarding world, with no Muggles or Muggleborn. People were carted to the death camps by the thousands-not just the Jewish, but anyone that Hitler felt didn't belong. Homosexuals, Gypsies, other races, Catholics, political prisoners, the disabled. All of these people were killed in the name of purity."  
  
"Just as Voldemort wanted to do," Neville breathed.  
  
"Indeed. 'Your silence will not protect you' is a phrase that came out of that time. It came from something written by a Protestant priest. I won't quote the whole thing, but it said that he never spoke up when all those other groups were taken away...and then, when he was taken away, there was no one left to speak for him."  
  
Neville shivered. "And...you're saying...that's like us...now?"  
  
Snape nodded. "You may not have said anything, but saying nothing is just as bad as openly causing harm. For if no one protests, then how can change begin?"  
  
"Well, I've spoken my mind now. And I'm not going to stop."  
  
A hand fell onto Neville's shoulder, squeezed approvingly. "Now you have the idea. Do you know why I was always so hard on you in class?"  
  
"N-no. Why, sir?"  
  
Snape studied his one hand, as if the answers were there. "Harry Potter was destined for such great things. He was so much better than most of the students, and I was hard on him, both to counteract the effects of his fame and to try to push him, make him live up to his promise." He looked at Neville. "I did very much the same thing with you."  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes, Neville, you. I knew your parents, knew who they were. There is so much of them in you-you have so much potential, Neville. Maybe you've kept it suppressed out of a subconscious fear of meeting the same fate as your parents, I don't know. But I do know one thing-I could have made any student show them all that I had seen. But only you, Neville, could have done it with the strength and conviction that I feel coming from you now. You're coming into your own, Neville-this is just the first step."  
  
Neville looked up at his professor in shock. "You really believe that of me, sir? All of that?"  
  
Snape nodded. "I always have." He patted Neville's shoulder again, then stood. "You should go back to your dorm now, try to get some sleep."  
  
"Yes sir. Thank you, and good night." Neville moved to the door.  
  
"Neville, did you know that Winston Churchill was born of two squibs?"  
  
Neville paused, turned. "Really? But I thought-"  
  
"Yes. None of his siblings were born with magic, just as he wasn't, so, in our world, that branch of the wizarding line was considered dead. But out in the Muggle world, he managed to unite a war-torn England. Now, if a Squib-born can do that, without even magic to help, than surely you, a wizard, can unite a school's population."  
  
"I don't know if I can, sir, but I can try!" Neville ran off.  
  
Snape walked back to Harry's bedside and sat, looking first at Harry, then at Draco, whose gaze had never left Harry; he was completely unresponsive. "Try, boys. Come back...try. Please...." 


	6. Chastisement

Neville entered the Gryffindor common room, and was greeted by the face of every student in Gryffindor House. "Can I...help you?" he asked uncertainly.  
  
"Yeah," said Dean. "For starters, where on *Earth* did you get the balls to say what you did?" He almost looked awed at Neville's courage.  
  
"I...I don't know. I just knew it had to be done, so I did it." Neville stood a little straighter. "I never really approved of how we were treating Harry to begin with, but I thought it was safer to keep quiet. I was wrong. It didn't save Harry, and it didn't help anything else, either."  
  
"Neville." Lavender's quiet voice floated from the back of the crowd. "Did you mean it? That you feel worse than Voldemort-that we all acted like him?"  
  
He nodded. "What was Voldemort based on? Hate, anger, prejudice. In acting as we have, we have fallen to the level of the one we sought to defeat. And he *is* defeated-in body, anyway. We've been helping keep his spirit alive, though, through our actions. Aren't we better than that?"  
  
"He's right." Ron strode through the students to stand next to Neville, Hermione at his side. "I wish that I had been able to see it before now, but I was blind. Not anymore."  
  
"But Ron," Ginny said, confused. "I thought you blamed Harry, you know...because of...." She trailed off, unable to finish her sentence. Tears sparkled in her eyes.   
  
"For Percy," Ron finished. "I had. But now I realize--no one made Percy take the curse that was meant for Harry. It was the last thing Harry himself wanted. So yes, Percy is dead, and I miss him. However...even though I saw Harry's use of the Unforgivable as a...betrayal...of Percy's sacrifice, now I have to wonder. Who would've died if Harry *hadn't* made his choice? Bill? Fred, or George? You, maybe, Ginny? Hermione and Dean, who are Muggle-born? Seamus, who is half-and-half? How many lives did Harry save? I don't think we can ever count that. And...that is what we should've been focusing on."  
  
"All I want you to do," Neville said, seeing that Ron was unable to continue speaking, "is to think for yourselves. Think on what you know, and what you've been fed. How much of what you know is truth. There is only one important truth that I can think of: Voldemort is dead, thanks to Harry, and we are free of him. What happens now is up to you." He smiled at his friends. "And now, I have been told to get some sleep. I suggest you all do the same. We can talk more in the morning." And with that, Neville went up to his room.  
  
Seamus blinked. "Who knew that Neville had it in him?" he wondered aloud.  
  
No one could answer that. Instead, almost as one, they went up to their beds, to sleep...and to think. 


	7. Pleading

The students of Hogwarts were asleep, but one boy was not.  
  
He had the vague thought that he should be in bed, but even that thought was not enough to distract him from his silent vigil.  
  
He could sense the presence of adults around him, felt their concern for him, but he didn't respond. They even called him by name, at times, but it had no meaning to him. 'Draco' meant nothing-the only person in the room who meant something was the precious person he was guarding. Harry.  
  
A hand on his shoulder. "Draco, exhausting yourself isn't going to do either you or Harry any good. Please. Get some rest."  
  
Draco thought for a second, identifying the voice. Snape. His Head of House. Draco roused himself enough to respond. "I can't." Was that weak, raspy voice really his? "I can't leave Harry. What if he wakes, and he's alone? I can't let that happen!"  
  
"Draco, he won't be alone. Either myself or Madam Pomfrey will be with Harry at all times."  
  
"No! He needs to know that someone cares about him! I care about him, Professor, I can't leave until he knows that." Draco's eyes never left Harry's still form.  
  
"Draco-"  
  
"Let him stay." A new voice. Older, timeworn. He remembered it containing laughter, usually, but this was no time for laughter. Dumbledore.  
  
"But Albus-"  
  
"Severus, if Draco feels this strongly about staying near Harry, then I cannot see the good it would do him to forcibly move him away. Besides, maybe this is what Harry needs...to bring him back."  
  
"Oh, very well." Draco sensed his victory and turned all of his attention back onto Harry.  
  
"Come with me, Severus. I need to speak with you." In the background, Draco heard two sets of footsteps leaving, and he instinctively knew that he was alone.   
  
"Harry," he whispered, caressing the other boy's face. "You need to come back. It's going to get better it has to. Neville is doing everything he can to help you, and so are the staff...and so am I. I need you, Harry. Everyone else might have thought that you did something horrible, but you did the one thing I thought no one could ever do...you saved me from my father. You make me feel *safe*, Harry. You're my light in the darkness, and maybe it's selfish, but I don't care-I won't lose that...lose *you*. Please, Harry. I care for you so much...no, I *love* you. Can't you come back for love? Won't you? Please? Harry? I *need* you...love you...." Draco broke down into tears, falling across Harry's chest, giving in to his grief.  
  
Unnoticed by anyone, a pair of emerald eyes opened. 


	8. Awakening

He was floating in a sea of sounds, sensations. He tried to fight it, believing that he didn't belong, but a voice pulled him onwards. Unable to resist, he drifted.   
  
'...need you....'  
  
Someone was needed. Must be nice to be needed. He used to be, once upon a time, but his time was done.  
  
'...love you....'  
  
Someone was loved. Even better. He had a hard time remembering love. He was sure his parents had loved him, but they were gone, lost to a time that he couldn't recall. He had thought that he had the love of friends, but see how quickly that changed. With a flash of memory, he realized that even his godfather was gone. What was the point of returning then, really? He'd just float in this everlasting darkness, thanks all the same.  
  
'...Harry....'  
  
His name. Who would be calling his name? He had a vague memory of someone saying his name as his physical wounds were healed, but...that had had no affect on him. Not like this voice saying his name. It was almost pleading...yearning....  
  
'...Harry...love you....'  
  
Someone loved...him? Impossible! Yet.... Something in his heart reacted to those words, spurring him upwards out of the darkness, towards the voice that he heard more clearly now, calling him back...with tears. 'Who would cry for *me*?' he wondered, straining to discover who was attached to that voice, calling him like a siren's song.  
  
Emerald eyes opened. Fluttered closed again against the brightness of the light. Opened again slowly. He was unable to focus for a moment, and as he tried to bring the world around him into clarity, he noticed a weight on his chest, Glancing down, he saw a head of hair of such a pale blonde that it was nearly white. There was only one person that he knew with that color hair. 'Draco.'  
  
"Draco...."  
  
**********  
  
Draco's name penetrated the haze of tears and grief that surrounded him. Thinking that Snape was trying to get his attention again, he looked up, ready to protest the intrusion.  
  
And was greeted with a pair of eyes that he had been beginning to think that he would never see open again. "Harry," he whispered, not daring to believe what he was seeing.  
  
"Draco...don't cry for me...I'm not worth...your tears." A hand lifted shakily, wiped the tears from Draco's face.  
  
Draco caught the hand, held it against his cheek as his eyes bore into Harry's. "Of course you are, Harry. Worth my tears, and worth any that anyone chooses to shed."  
  
"You called me back, Draco...why?"  
  
"Because I...I...." Draco's voice caught, unable to speak, and instead he brought Harry's hand to his lips, kissed the palm delicately. "That's why," he whispered hoarsely, overcome with a different type of emotion.  
  
Harry shook his head. "No...no one can love me...." His eyes began to close again.  
  
"Harry! You are *not* going away on me! I love you, damnit, and you are going to *stay* here and deal with it!"   
  
Harry's eyes fixed on his.   
  
"I need help," Draco murmured. Maintaining eye contact, instinctively knowing that that was what was keeping Harry anchored to consciousness, he called out, "Professor Snape! Madam Pomfrey! He's awake! Harry's *awake*!"  
  
Snape heard Draco's call, and came running. He stopped short, seeing that, rather than the dream he had thought he was going to see, he saw the truth of Draco's words. "Don't move," he said. "Keep Harry with us. I'm getting Poppy." And then, not even caring how completely undignified he was acting, Snape ran as fast as he could.  
  
********** 


	9. Words

Madame Pomfrey examined Harry closely at least three times before she was assured that he was all right. As soon as she was satisfied with his condition, she pulled Harry into a tight hug. "My dear boy, do you have any idea how much you've worried us?" she asked, frowning, but the sparkle of relief in her eyes belied the scolding. Harry blushed and tried to breathe-the mediwitch's grip was quite strong.  
  
Finally, she pulled away and looked Harry over one more time. "You need to sleep," she announced. "Let me just get you something...." Standing, she went over to the supply room.  
  
Sitting on the other side of the bed, Snape smiled, the relief evident on his face. "I think that was a hint," he said. "Come, Draco, let's let Harry get some rest. You can visit with him later."  
  
"Wait." Harry grabbed Snape's hand. "Can't Draco stay with me...until I fall asleep? I'm afraid...."  
  
Both Snape and Madam Pomfrey, who had just returned, couldn't resist Harry's pleading look. Smiling, the woman said, "He can stay for five more minutes." She handed Harry the goblet with the sleeping draught in it. "Now, drink this all down, and remember, Draco, five minutes."  
  
Draco nodded, all of his attention on Harry. When they were alone, Draco moved from his chair to the bed, brushing Harry's bangs off his forehead so he could look into Harry's eyes without any barriers. "I'm afraid to let you go to sleep," he confessed. "I'm afraid to risk losing you again."  
  
Harry's eyes were troubled. "I'm afraid to wake up," he admitted, trying to suppress tears. "Has anything changed, really?"  
  
Draco smiled. "The day you left, Weasley and Granger were looking for you-they wanted to apologize. And Neville's been wonderful, he really has."  
  
"Well he must've done something," Harry teased, "for you to be calling him by his first name."  
  
"I'll let him tell you the story when you wake up. That is," Draco amended, seeing the slightly panicked look that crossed Harry's face, "if you want to see anyone."  
  
"Ask me later. Right now, the only person I want to see, aside form the professors, is you." Harry yawned, and it was Draco's turn to blush.  
  
"You're falling asleep, Harry. Rest. If I'm not here, I'll be here as soon as you ask. I love you, you know."  
  
Harry's eyes drifted closed. "How could you love someone like me?" he murmured, but was asleep before Draco could say anything more. Troubled, Draco placed a gentle kiss on Harry's forehead before leaving, wondering what he could do to make Harry believe.   
  
In the meantime, though, he had an errand to run.  
  
**********  
  
Draco paused outside the entrance to Gryffindor Tower, trying to shake away the memory of the last time he had entered. Raising a shaking hand, he knocked at the entrance and waited. A couple minutes later, Neville's head peeked out. "Draco? Come in." He backed up to allow Draco admittance.  
  
Draco entered the common room, following Neville. The only other people in the room were Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Colin. Colin was the first one to notice him. "Hey-what's a Malfoy doing in here?"  
  
Draco held up a hand, forestalling any more comments. "I just came to tell you-Harry's woke up."  
  
"He has?" Hermione jumped up, eyes shining. "Can we go see him?"  
  
Draco shook his head. "Madam Pomfrey checked him over, and gave him something to help him sleep. Real sleep, not a coma."  
  
Ron was undaunted. "Well, then, when he wakes up-"  
  
Draco shook his head. "Harry's...delicate," he said, for lack of a better word. "He's not sure he wants to see anyone."  
  
"What?" Ron was stunned. "But we're his best friends!"  
  
"Yes, and how have those friends been treating him of late?" No one could answer Draco's rather pointed question right away.  
  
"Who are you, to be dictating Harry's visitors, anyway?" Ginny spoke up.   
  
"Me? I'm only someone who's been trying to treat Harry halfway decently from the start of all this," Draco snapped back. "Besides, Madam Pomfrey would only tell you the same thing I have. Now, if you want my advice-and you're getting it whether you want it or not-I'd be thinking up some good apologies for when and if Harry decides he wants to see you." He turned to leave.  
  
"Draco?" Neville's soft voice gave Draco pause. "Can you...when Harry wakes up, can you give him my best and tell him that I'm thinking of him?"  
  
Draco smiled at the other boy. "Of course I will, for you."  
  
"Hey! Why are you treating Neville better than us?"  
  
"You have to ask, Weasley? Were you in the Great Hall, speaking on Harry's behalf? Even the other day, did you want to do any more than offer a half-hearted apology, just assuming Harry's good nature would lead him to accept it? At least Neville can admit when he was an ass-sorry, Neville-and wants to do something about it. You want it back to normal, no fuss or mess." Draco sighed. "And I have a feeling that nothing will be 'normal' ever again. Now, if you'd excuse me, I'd like to get some sleep before Harry wakes."  
  
"Can you believe what Malfoy said!" Ron fumed as Draco left.  
  
"Yes, I can," Hermione said tartly. "Face it Ron, you wanted just that. You thought Harry would wake up, and he'd just forgive us. It's not going to be that simple-too mush has happened for *that*. I, for one, am planning to work my ass off to even be *considered* worthy of Harry's friendship again. And I'd think that if you were really Harry's best friend, you'd feel the same way!" With a sniff, she flounced up to her dorm.  
  
Neville shrugged. "She has a point, you know."  
  
"I know," Ron muttered, sighing. "I just feel so *dumb* now, you know? Hating harry over something that he really had no control over."  
  
"Don't tell that to me-tell that to him."  
  
"I plan to." Ron cast a glance towards the portrait-hole. "If he'll let me."  
  
********** 


	10. Dreams

He was surrounded by faces, voices. All pointing, glaring, taunting him. Blaming him.  
  
Sirius' eyes staring at him, accusing. Percy, shaking his head in disgust. Professor McGonnagal, who looked so betrayed....  
  
Draco's face in the crowd.  
  
"Draco! You know, right? You know it had to be done."  
  
A smirk, with cold, glacier-gray eyes. 'Did it, Potter?'  
  
"But...you said...."  
  
'And you believed me? Surely you know better than that by *now*, Potter....' His mocking laughter filled Harry's ears as he disappeared-as everyone disappeared, leaving him alone in a featureless black void.  
  
"No...." Harry shook his head. "It's a lie...it *has* to be...." He looked down at his hands.  
  
They were covered in blood.  
  
With a scream, Harry began clawing at his hands, trying to remove the blood, but it was of no use...it just kept appearing....  
  
**********  
  
Draco slipped into the Hospital wing quietly, making for Harry's bedside. He had only had a few hours of sleep himself, but he felt the need to be near Harry, to hold him.  
  
As he approached the curtained-off bed where Harry lay, Draco heard screaming. A horrible sound, like someone was having their soul ripped from their body. The scream gave Draco pause for a moment, until Madam Pomfrey rushing by drove home the thing he had wanted to deny.  
  
It was Harry screaming.  
  
Bolstered into action, Draco ran, unsure of what he could do, but knowing that he wanted to be near Harry. When he bust through the curtains, he saw Madam Pomfrey trying her best to restrain Harry...who was tearing into his flesh, screaming all the time.  
  
After a moment of struggle, the mediwitch got Harry's arms into restraints, but he continued screaming. Turning, she caught sight of Draco. "You shouldn't be here!"  
  
"I think otherwise," Draco countered. "I want to help."  
  
"Then stay with him while I get a sedative-I dare not use magic on him in this condition!" Madam Pomfrey misinterpreted the look on Draco's face. "It's safe, I assure you-he can't break those restraints-"  
  
"No, it's not that." Draco moved to stand beside Harry. "Go. I'll be here." He watched the woman leave, and as soon as she was gone, Draco sat on the bed and touched Harry's face. "Harry, it's me, it's Draco. You're all right. Please, Harry, it's all right, just wake up, come on, it's Draco-"  
  
Harry's screaming tapered off. "Draco?" he asked hoarsely.  
  
Draco smiled with relief. "Yes, it's me. You were having some sort of night terror."  
  
"No." Harry shook his head, eyes wide. "It wasn't-it's the truth. It's my fault."  
  
"What is?"  
  
"Percy-"  
  
"No, Harry. No one forced him to do what he did."  
  
"Sirius-he died. In my arms, he died. Told me it was worth it as long as I lived. How many, Draco? How many lives were destroyed in my name? Percy, and Charlie, when Voldemort tried to enslave the dragons. Sirius. Remus, whose grief is so powerful that no one is sure he'll recover. The Dursleys, whose only crime was to have been my family. How many others were there, Draco? How many names don't I know?"  
  
"Harry...." Draco blinked back tears, and started when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Snape was standing behind him, a potion in his hand. Silently, Draco moved out of the way, and Snape took his place.  
  
"Oh, Harry." He smoothed back the young man's sweat-soaked hair. "None of that was your fault."  
  
"It was...maybe I could've...people trusted me to keep them safe."  
  
Snape frowned. "I never thought it was right," he said after a moment of reflection, "that everybody pinned their hopes and dreams on you. You're only sixteen, Harry, far too young to have the responsibility of a whole world placed on your shoulders, a burden that never should've been yours. It was too much to ask of anyone, let alone a child." He sighed. "And now you're paying the price."  
  
"I never asked for it, Professor," Harry whispered, looking away. "I never asked for it, but it was given to me, despite what I wanted. I tried to serve them, I really did...but I failed so many people...so many...."  
  
"Harry." Harry didn't react. "Harry, look at me." Snape gripped Harry's chin, turned his face so that Snape's eyes were locked with Harry's. "None. Of. It. Was. Your. Fault.," he said slowly, enunciating. "The Weasleys, Black...they knew death was a risk when they fought against Voldemort. Lupin...he is depressed, but he *can* recover. Even your family was at risk for no other reason than the fact that they were Muggles. You might not believe me now, Harry, but you have to try-it wasn't your fault!"  
  
Harry blinked back tears. "I'll try," he said, his voice shaky and uncertain-sounding.  
  
Snape patted Harry's leg. "That's all we can ask. Now, if you'll take this," he held up the vial he was holding, "you can get some more rest."  
  
"No, please!" Harry flinched back. "I don't like the way they make me feel-I can't escape my dreams and what they say."  
  
"I'll mix you up some Dreamless Sleep, then. Careless of me-I should've thought of that on my own. But you need rest, need to relax."  
  
"Can-" Harry paused. "Can Draco stay with me? He makes me feel...better."  
  
"Do you want to stay. Draco?" Snape asked, turning to regard his student.  
  
Draco nodded. "It'll...make me feel better, too," he said, feeling a little lame but not caring.  
  
"Don't overtire yourselves, either of you. If sleep comes, let it." Snape looked at Harry. "You need to sleep, to heal." Casting a last look at the boys, he slipped away, leaving them to their privacy.  
  
Harry looked at Draco, carefully reached up to touch his hair, stroke his cheek. "You did it again," he marveled.   
  
"Did what, Harry?"  
  
"You saved me again, from myself. You keep saving me-why?"  
  
"I told you, Harry-I love you."  
  
Harry sighed. "I wish I could believe you. I wish I could love you back, but I-I don't know if I can," he finished miserably.  
  
Draco laughed softly. "I'll make you believe in my love, one day. And I demand nothing from you other that you recover." He hesitated, then leaned down and placed a gentle kiss onto Harry's lips. Harry didn't return the kiss, but he didn't reject it either, and that in itself gave Draco hope. "You should sleep, or rest, at least."  
  
Harry lifted a corner of his covers. "Stay with me, Draco? With you I feel...safe. I like that feeling." He blushed.  
  
"No need to be embarrassed, Harry. I like making you feel safe." With a smile, Draco crawled under the covers. Harry wrapped himself around Draco, and, eventually, the two drifted into slumber.  
  
*********** 


	11. Visitors

"Harry? Draco?"  
  
Draco's eyes fluttered open as the voice penetrated his slumber. He sat up slowly, blinking, noting the positions of the shadows on the wall. 'Well, at least he got a good couple hours' sleep.' He smiled fondly at Harry, then replied to the voice calling them. "Yes?"  
  
Madam Pomfrey poked her head around the curtains and smiled at Draco. "He's sleeping?"  
  
"Kind of." Draco noticed Harry stirring out of the corner of his eye. "Don't think he will be for long, though."  
  
"Well, there are some people who would like to see him. Do you think he's up to it?"  
  
"I'll ask. Tell them that Harry's just waking up, and it'll be a few minutes, if he chooses to see anyone. And...ummm...it might be best not to mention my presence." Draco flushed. "If one of his visitors is who I suspect it is, he might not be happy to see me here. Who's out there, anyway?"  
  
"Hermione, Ron, Dean, Lavender...the whole of the sixth-year Gryffindors, Ginny, and...Colin, I think."  
  
Draco sighed. "I'll tell him."  
  
"Tell me what?" came Harry's voice from beside him, slightly slurred with sleep.  
  
Draco smiled down at Harry and ran his fingers through Harry's hair. "You have visitors," he answered.  
  
"Visitors?" Harry sat up, and a trace of fear was visible in his eyes. "Who?"   
  
"Your...friends...from what I've been told."  
  
Harry shook his head. "I don't want to see them."  
  
"Harry." Draco understood Harry's feelings, but.... "You can't run forever. You should at least see one of them, love."  
  
Harry drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "Do you really think I should?" He looked at Draco.  
  
Draco swallowed at the look in Harry's eyes. He seemed so lost.... Carefully, Draco chose his words. "I might think you should, but it is really up to you in the end. If you don't want to see anyone just yet, I'll support you. But remember, you will have to face them sooner or later."  
  
Harry nodded, thinking. "I can see only one?"  
  
"If that's what you want."  
  
"I do. All of them...I don't know if I can take that many people." He looked at Draco. "Who would you recommend?"  
  
Draco didn't even have to think. "Neville or Hermione. Neville's been great since...well, you know, and Hermione's got enough brains to know what happened with you was wrong and that she needs to make it up to you."  
  
"Nobody needs to make anything up to me," Harry whispered. "But...I think I'll see them both. That way, Ron really can't accuse me of snubbing my," he swallowed, "best friends, and I want to hear what Neville did to impress you so much." He attempted a small smile.  
  
Draco sighed. "They do have things to make up to you," he murmured, but didn't dwell on it. Now wasn't the time. "I'll go let them know," he said, smiling and getting up from the bed.  
  
"Draco?"  
  
"Yes, Harry?" He turned to see Harry looking down at the bed and blushing.   
  
"Remember what we were talking about earlier? About love?" Draco nodded. "Well...I don't know if I can love you...but I want to. For the first time since...I want to *feel*...I want to love."  
  
Draco grinned. "Harry...I think you're going to beat this yet." He went back to Harry and kissed him gently. "Now, I'll be right back."  
  
As Draco left, Harry smiled...a real smile.  
  
********** 


	12. Beginnings

Nodding to Madam Pomfrey as he passed, Draco went out into the waiting room, and was greeted by half the Gryffindors-all houses.  
  
Ron was the first one to react to Draco's appearance. "What were you doing in there, Malfoy?" he spat out, not sure if he was angry at Draco, or the truths Draco had told him, but angry all the same.  
  
"What do you think, Weasley?" Draco snapped back, letting Ron set the tone. "I was with Harry, or are you too dense to catch something that obvious?"  
  
Hermione jumped in before any arguments could get out of hand. "Can we see Harry yet?" she asked, her worry shining clear through her voice.  
  
Draco looked at Hermione, and smiled at her. "Harry...he only wants to see two of you. You, and Neville."  
  
Neville blinked? "Why me?" he asked no one in particular.  
  
Ron's eyes flashed. "Are you trying to keep us from him?" he snarled. "Because if you are-"   
  
"I'm not keeping anyone from him!" Draco shouted, exasperated. "If you weren't so dense, you'd realize that sending a mob of you to Harry would not be the best idea, considering what's going on with him. And, that aside, after the way that the lot of you have been treating him of late, can you blame him for not wanting to see you all just yet? Now, Harry asked for Neville and Hermione, and that's who's getting in!"  
  
Ron looked ready to charge Draco, but Hermione caught his arm. "Ron, no!" she hissed. "Just let us go in there. We'll talk to him, then maybe he'll see you. You'd be only a liability in the state you're in right now, anyway." She glared at him, then looked at Draco. "Can we see him now?"  
  
"Of course." He let the two into the ward, then led them to Harry's bed. Neville, having seen Harry before, was prepared, but Hermione gasped, seeing him for the first time.  
  
'When did he get so thin and pale? Look at those circles under his eyes...has he been looking like this the whole time? And we...we did this to him.' Hermione sank into a chair. "Oh, Harry," she said mournfully.  
  
Harry opened his eyes, having closed them to gather his strength when Draco left. "'Mione? I'm sorry...."  
  
Tears ran down her face as caught Harry up into a hug. "You have nothing to be sorry about," she said sniffing.  
  
Neville sat down next to her and patted Harry's arm. "That's right, mate--*we're* the ones who have so much to be sorry for."  
  
"Nev'...."  
  
Draco looked at the three and smiled wistfully. "I'll leave you to talk then, shall I?"  
  
Harry looked up. "Draco?" The fear was back in his eyes.   
  
"It'll be all right, Harry. I'll be near if you need me. But...I think you need this time with them." He smiled at Harry, letting his love and support shine through, then withdrew to give the three friends some privacy.  
  
**********  
  
"Harry?" Hermione drew away from Harry slightly, to look him in the eye. "What's going on between you and Draco, anyway?"   
  
Harry blushed bright red. "Well...he's in love with me."  
  
Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Are you sure?" she demanded. "Or is he maybe just trying to take advantage of you while you're vulnerable?"  
  
"I...I don't think so." Harry pulled back from Hermione's grip. "Earlier...I had had a nightmare. Draco came, managed to bring me back to myself. They-they wanted me to go back to sleep, but I was afraid of being alone...I asked Draco to stay. And...he held me. Made me feel secure. Didn't ask anything of me that I couldn't give."  
  
Neville rested his chin on his hands. "Hermione, maybe Draco is sincere about this one. You didn't see how he was when Harry first came in-I did. He was torn up, devastated...terrified that harry was going to die. He really did seem to...care."  
  
"But Harry." Hermione wasn't ready to let the subject drop. "Do you love *him*?"  
  
Harry frowned, thinking. "No," he said. "I don't, not now. I don't think I *can* love someone, not just yet. I feel raw inside, Hermione. You have no idea what your rejection made me feel. I loved you, and Ron, and the rest of you like siblings, and you took that love and tore a hole in my heart and soul."  
  
He sighed. "I hate saying this, but I don't think I can trust you with that again, just yet. I'm *afraid* to feel, do you understand? And if I can't manage that for you, or Ron...then how can I manage that for Draco, who, until...everything, I didn't even really care for at all?  
  
"But...I *want* to be able to love Draco. Just like I want to be able to give all of you my trust again one day, I want to give Draco my heart. But not yet...not for a long time, maybe. He knows that-I've told him...and he still is here for me, telling me he loves me. If he does, Hermione, then he'll wait for me. If he can't do that...." Harry trailed off and shrugged. "Does that answer your questions?"  
  
Hermione was sobbing. "I...didn't realize what we were doing to you," she cried. "Why didn't you *say* something?"  
  
It was Neville who answered. "Would you have listened to him?"  
  
Hermione turned dazed eyes onto Neville. "When did you get so wise?" she asked. "First that public defense of Harry, then all the words and advice...when did that happen?"  
  
"I think it's been there all the time, Hermione. I just grew up enough to be able to speak it instead of think it."  
  
Harry looked at Neville. He didn't sit with a perpetual cringe anymore, as if waiting for the world to mock him. Instead he sat with...pride, confidence. He liked this new Neville. "Speaking of that public defense," Harry interjected, trying to lighten the mood, "just what happened, anyway? I've heard you were...inspired."  
  
Hermione laughed. "'Inspired' isn't the word I'd use for it Harry."   
  
With the tension broken, the three settled back for a long talk.  
  
**********  
  
A few hours later, Madam Pomfrey came around. "All right, Harry needs his rest. Say good night, and you can come back tomorrow, if he wants."  
  
Harry nodded. "I do want."  
  
"Harry?" He looked at Hermione. "What should I say to Ron?"  
  
A pained look crossed Harry's features. "Tell him what I said earlier. Sit him down and make him listen, *really* listen. And...if he can hear my words without anger...then he can come tomorrow. I expect you to use good judgement, Hermione."  
  
"Don't I always?"  
  
Neville rolled his eyes. "I'm not even going to dignify that one with a response." He laughed at Hermione's shocked expression. "Pleasant dreams, Harry."  
  
Hermione kissed his forehead. "Sleep well."  
  
"Good night 'Mione, Neville. See you tomorrow."  
  
Not long after the two left, Draco peeked his head into Harry's curtains. "Can I come in?"  
  
"Of course." Harry patted the bed next to him.  
  
"How did it go?" Draco picked up Harry's hand and waited for his answer.  
  
"Not bad. I wish I could've seen Neville confronting the whole school, though."  
  
"So do I."  
  
"What?" Harry looked at Draco, confused. "You weren't there?"  
  
"No, Harry," Draco whispered hoarsely, having to blink back sudden tears. "I couldn't leave your side, I couldn't bear to."  
  
Harry pulled Draco into a hug. "You shouldn't have stayed," he murmured to a now-crying Draco. "But I'm glad you did."  
  
"You could have *died*, Harry! I was so scared of losing you...I look at you, and I feel that fear, still."  
  
"But I am here, Draco. Alive...thanks to you." He held Draco close to him, and let Draco cry out his pain and grief, finally dealing with it for the first time since he had realized what Harry had intended to do.   
  
Finally he pulled back and dried his tears. "So, is everything all right then?" he asked, as if the last quarter-hour of crying had never happened.  
  
Harry shook his head. "No. But...I think it just might be heading in that direction."  
  
********** 


	13. Lecture

Quick Author's Note: You know, when I started this, I had no idea that I was going to enjoy writing this so much. I literally have times where this thing writes itself, and that happens rarely to me. So, I'd like to take a minute to thank those people who have given me such positive feedback :) I'm really flattered by it.  
  
May-my first reviewer, and I thank you :) 'Wise' was part of what I was aiming for, and I'm glad you liked it.  
  
Hoshiko-Malfoy-I'm adding more as fast as I can, believe me :)  
  
Dracona-I'm glad that you like the plot's kind-of originality. I wasn't trying for that-it just...happened. And of *course* there will be more!  
  
DiagonAlley-I'm continuing, definitely, and I'm glad you love it.  
  
kiwi-the best I can hear is to hear that I've moved someone :)  
  
El-well, I like ending with those kind of things-I consider it payback for all those fics that have done the same thing to me :-p  
  
Tea-what can I say to my dear friend? I'm so glad I have your support, both in RL and online. And, by the way, just when are you going to finish those GW fics *you're* working on, hmmm? :) *hugs*  
  
aurora-I'm definitely writing more soon *points to fic part below* I don't think I've ever gotten out chapters this fast before....  
  
TheLostGirl--*blushes* I'm flattered that you think I should have more reviews. I'm glad you like my work so much, and I'm writing as often as life will let me.  
  
Schulyr-thanks for the encouragement :)  
  
Gia-wow...another that thinks I should have more reviews *blushes some more* I don't know if I can email you individually, though...it really wouldn't be fair, and besides, I don't even email chapters to my RL friends. *expects to be hearing about this soon*  
  
Shinigami-yes, that dratted 'electronics don't work at Hogwarts' thing :-p I agree with you assessment of the Weasleys and Sirius, too. Can't do *too* much about Percy and Sirius, but you might have given me an idea.... :) As for Remus...well, you'll see!  
  
Shell-thanks! :)  
  
Aurora(are you the same one as before? I can't tell...)-thanks for the good feedback, and don't worry-I am writing!  
  
Well...on to the story that y'all seem to be waiting for! Thanks again for reading! :)   
  
**********  
  
Neville and Hermione emerged from the Hospital wing to find that everyone else had either gotten bored and left, or, more likely, were shooed away. Hermione looked at Neville and shrugged. "At least we won't be getting interrogated here where anyone can overhear."  
  
The two students made their way back to Gryffindor. After giving the week's password, they walked into the common room, where they were immediately accosted by Ron. "Well? How is he? What's going on? Why didn't he want to see me?"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes as she pushed Ron away from her. "If you wait a second, I'll tell you! But sit down...this might hurt."  
  
Ron sat down, frowning. "What do you mean?"  
  
Hermione hesitated. She knew Ron's reaction was either going to be hurt or anger, and she wasn't sure she was strong enough to deal with either reaction. Luckily, Neville jumped into the breach before Ron could get too antsy. "He didn't want to see you because he doesn't trust you."  
  
Silence. Then, "WHAT!!!"  
  
Hermione sighed. "Ron, calm down."  
  
"I will not! Who does he think he is, saying he doesn't trust me? After being his friend all these years, suddenly he turns around and says something like that! Why I-"   
  
"Ron!" Ron jumped. Neville never raised his voice...*never*. Yet there he was, shouting to be heard over Ron's ranting. "Will you pull your head out of your ass and *listen* to yourself?"  
  
"But he said he doesn't trust me...." Hermione rolled her eyes again. The anger seemed to be shifting into insulted and hurt. Great.  
  
"That's right, he doesn't trust you...or me, or Hermione, either. He trusts *none* of us."  
  
"But...he let the two of you in...."  
  
Hermione spoke up. "And he obviously wasn't wrong, seeing your reaction just now."  
  
"But-"   
  
"So help me, Ronald Weasley, the next word out of your mouth better not be 'why,' or I will transfigure you into a catnip mouse and give you to Crookshanks! I would think that *that* answer would be obvious enough-would *you* trust someone being nice to you right after a suicide attempt when they had been actively harassing you, hating you, and being a general bastard towards you prior to that event?"  
  
"Well...putting it that way, no. But it wasn't like that!"  
  
"Oh?" Neville raised an eyebrow, looking to Hermione eerily like Snape in that moment. "You mean, it wasn't you that accused Harry of being worse than Voldemort? It wasn't you that told him that he'd betrayed everything you stood for? It wasn't you that accused him of sacrificing your brother? It wasn't you-"  
  
"All right, I get the point, Neville." Ron looked abashed.   
  
"No, I don't think you do!" Ron looked to Hermione, his eyes begging for support, but she stepped back, sensing that this was something Neville needed to do. "What everybody thought about Harry...it was you who started it. You brought it into our House-into our dorm. No one else's words could've affected Harry more than yours did. I admit that I was a coward-I should have spoke up. But Ron...what happened...do you think that Percy would've wanted that? Do you think he'd be *proud* of what's been happening? That any of your family would be?"  
  
Tears began to fall from Ron's eyes. "No," he whispered. "You're right. Percy-he would've seen the truth. He wouldn't have had to see it-he'd have *known*. I don't know why I said what I've said, did what I did."  
  
"You were scared, Ron." Hermione finally stepped forward, laid a hand on his arm. "You saw what was going on, you saw Voldemort kill...then you saw Harry do the same thing. It scared *me*--but we shouldn't have let it. We were both stupid, thinking that Harry was like Voldemort. We couldn't have been more wrong. Voldemort killed for no reason other than his own bitterness and anger, liked the power, and killed more. Harry killed out of necessity to save a world, and felt guilt-made worse by us-and tried to remove himself from consideration."  
  
"He'll never forgive me...and he shouldn't."  
  
"It is not for us to dictate who Harry should and shouldn't forgive. It is only for Harry to decide."  
  
Ron straightened, tears still running down his face. "I want his friendship," he said. "Even while I was trying my best to hate him, I felt the hole inside me-the hole where Harry belongs. But I'd gladly keep that hole, if that's the price for Harry's well-being."  
  
Neville grinned and patted Ron on the back. "Now you're getting it," he said.  
  
"Can you...convince Harry to talk to me?"  
  
"I'll try, mate, I'll try."  
  
********** 


	14. Thoughts

It was the middle of the night, and Harry couldn't sleep.  
  
Not long after Hermione and Neville had been chased away, Madam Pomfrey had shown up with the Dreamless Sleep potion that Snape had made, telling Draco to leave and get some sleep as well. He had, reluctantly, leaving Harry and a goblet of potion on his own.  
  
The potion had worked well-Harry couldn't remember having a single dream-but it only worked for eight hours, and, what with being forced into slumber so early, that meant that Harry was wide awake at three in the morning with nothing to do until the mediwitch came through to check on him around five. After so many visits to the Hospital wing, Harry had her schedule down like clockwork.  
  
So Harry did the only thing he could do-he thought.  
  
He thought about his friends. Harry discovered that he wasn't mad at them, not really. He really didn't have it in him to feel anger. Even with Draco, he had been annoyed, but never consumed with a burning anger. That had been saved for Voldemort alone. However, he had been hurt deeply by his friends, he couldn't deny that. He also couldn't deny that he wanted to forgive them and move on. 'We'll see what happens tomorrow.'  
  
He thought about Sirius. He had only known his godfather for not even three full years, but he never doubted the love the man felt for him-once he realized that Sirius didn't betray his parents, that is. He missed Sirius terribly, but, at the same time, he was certain that he wouldn't have wanted Harry to do something that would end up having them meet in the afterlife sooner, rather than later. Harry wasn't sure he would ever completely recover from losing the man he had come to love like a father, but he was going to honor Sirius' memory the best that he could.  
  
He thought about Remus. Sirius's lover, the man he had come to see as a second godfather. Together, he had come to rely on the two men for support, love, and approval as much as he would've his parents, and it hurt him so much to know that Sirius' death had destroyed Remus to such a degree. Harry realized that his own death would probably had made Remus' condition that much worse. He wondered if Remus even knew what had happened to him, and wished desperately that the man was here with him.  
  
He thought about the future. He wasn't sure what was going to happen with his life next, which was both refreshing and frightening. Ever since he was eleven, Harry had known that a battle with Voldemort was in his future, but now the man was dead, and for the first time, Harry's life was truly his own. Being out of the dark shadow of Voldemort would surely be refreshing, once he had fully recovered and processed it properly. And he had another year of school after finishing this one-he had time to figure out what he would do with the rest of his life.  
  
He thought about Draco. Draco...the thought of him made Harry's cheeks burn, remembering the emotion that he had felt coming from Draco. Draco's love was as exhilarating as it was scary, and he wasn't sure what to do. He knew that this Draco was different than the one he used to know, and that he wanted this Draco in his life. However...he still wasn't sure if he could ever love Draco like he loved him. He didn't want to lead Draco on, and he was afraid of that happening, even though he had told the other boy the truth about what was in his heart. He was just so afraid of someone getting hurt because of him.... Maybe he should let time take care of Draco, as well.  
  
Harry yawned, his eyes growing heavy. 'Time...I heard somewhere 'time heals all wounds.' Maybe I should see if Time can help me out in this, as well....'  
  
He fell into a natural sleep just before five. When Madam Pomfrey looked in on him, she smiled at the peaceful-looking boy and left, letting him sleep on.  
  
********** 


	15. Regaining

Dawn brought Albus Dumbledore apparating onto the grounds of St. Mungo's. He walked in the door, and stopped to register his presence with a nurse.  
  
He looked up. "Headmaster Dumbledore. Here to visit Mr. Lupin?"  
  
"Yes. Has there been any change?"  
  
The nurse shook his head. "No change. Frankly, some of the staff are beginning to think he might never come around."   
  
"Time will tell. Can I go see him?"  
  
"Yes. Room 539."  
  
Dumbledore made his way to Remus' room, wondering what he was going to tell a man who might not even know he was there. Still, as Harry's only living guardian-Sirius had made Remus his guardian should anything happen to him-he deserved to know what was going on.  
  
He sat down next to Remus' bed, looking at the unnaturally still man. "Remus. I do wish you'd come back to us."  
  
No answer, just as there hadn't been the week before, or the week before that.  
  
"I haven't been telling you some things, Remus. I'd been hoping that matters would resolve themselves, but I was a fool to think so. Maybe if I had interfered before now...."   
  
Dumbledore sighed. "It's about young Harry," he continued. "I had told you that Harry had defeated Voldemort. I had even told you how. What I had not told you, though, was the school's reaction to the news.  
  
"I hate to tell you this, Remus, but Harry had become quite the public enemy. It seemed that no one could understand what Harry had to do. Even Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger turned away from him, quite publicly."  
  
He paused. Had he seen Remus twitch? Maybe it was just his imagination.  
  
"Harry had had quite a rough time of it. He has spent weeks being ignored, insulted, and assaulted by those who he had only tried to protect. I had had no idea of how the boy managed to persevere under all of that. I gave him credit for having more strength than any human could be expected to have."  
  
Again, he thought he saw Remus move slightly. 'Events must have been affecting me more than I thought,' he mused, 'to begin imagining things like this.'  
  
He continued. "I hate being the one to tell you this, and I accept all blame. There must have been something I could have done. But...four days ago, Harry Potter tried to kill himself, and very nearly succeeded. Severus and young Draco Malfoy were able to find and save him, though. He is alive...now...and things are changing at Hogwarts, but I fear that not even half the battle has been fought yet, let alone won. He is hurting, Remus, and I don't know what I can do for him anymore."  
  
Dumbledore stared off into space for a minute. "He misses you, Remus. I stopped in to check on him, before coming over here, and I heard him saying your name in his sleep. He has lost his parents, the rest of his blood family, and his godfather. He shouldn't have to lose you, too. I think...he needs you, Remus. Poppy, Severus...even Draco have been trying to help him, and it *is* working, some, but...he needs something we can't give. I know you grieve for Sirius, but he is gone. Harry isn't, but how long will that last? He has tried to kill himself once...will he again? I don't know. I do know that I do not want you to finally wake up one day, just to find that there is no one left  
  
"I must return to the school, Remus. Swift recovery, and I will see you next week." Without even looking at the man in the bed beside him, he patted Remus' hand and rose to go.  
  
"Take me to him...."  
  
Dumbledore froze, sure he had hallucinated that low voice. "Is anyone there?" he asked the room.  
  
"Albus...take me to him...take me to my Harry."  
  
Dumbledore turned, and was greeted with the sight of Remus' eyes...open. His voice, hoarse from long disuse, repeated, "He needs me, like you said. Take me to Harry."  
  
In shock, all Dumbledore could do was nod.  
  
********** 


	16. Reunion

Arms closed around Harry as he whimpered, caught in the throes of another nightmare. "I'm sorry," he whispered, even as he moved closer to the heat surrounding him.  
  
"For what? There is no reason for you to be sorry, Harry-love."  
  
That wasn't part of his nightmare. No, his apologies were supposed to be laughed at, thrown back into his face. Slowly, he opened his eyes, to see silver-gray eyes staring into his own. "Draco." He blinked, noticing the sunlight pouring into the room. "What time is it? How long have you been here?"  
  
"It's nearly noon, and I've been here since about eight or so." Draco frowned a little. "I'd have been here earlier, but Professor Snape insisted that I needed to eat."  
  
"You do," Harry agreed. "You can't allow yourself to get sick over me." He left unspoken how unworthy he felt of anyone's concern.  
  
Draco knew, however. His eyes narrowed. "If I can't allow myself to get sick from not eating, then you can't do so, either. And don't try to tell me you're not worth it-you are!"  
  
Harry sighed. "I try to remember that, but...it's these damn dreams. They're always different, but the same, too."  
  
"What do you mean?" Draco slipped back into what Harry had begun secretly terming 'mother-hen mode.'   
  
"Like just now. It was different than every other dream I've had, but...it was the same. It's always my fault. Remus-I just dreamed that he's hospitalized because of me-that he's not coming back because he can't stand to see me-that I killed Sirius."   
  
Harry began to cry and collapsed into Draco's embrace. "I feel like I'm falling apart, Draco. Nothing changes. Madam Pomfrey treats me like I'm made of spun glass and will shatter if someone looks at me wrong. Snape pities me, and I don't know how you can stand to love me. Every time I look around this room, I just see it as it was right after the battle, filled with the wounded, the dying, and the dead. Their ghosts haunt me. I want to leave this place, Draco. I want to heal, but I can't here. There's nothing physically wrong with me-why am I still here?"  
  
Draco couldn't say anything. All he could do was continue to stroke Harry's hair and be a comforting presence. Truth be told, he had wondered the same thing. Harry was as physically healed as he could get, and, as well meaning as the mediwitch was, he didn't think sleeping potions and bed rest were the answer. "Where do you want to go, Harry? Back to Gryffindor?"  
  
"No! I'm-I'm not ready for them yet. I don't know where I want to go, just that I have to."  
  
"How about you come home?" asked a deep voice from the foot of Harry's bed.  
  
Harry stiffened in Draco's arms. "I'm dreaming, right?" he asked shakily. "I didn't just hear Remus-did I?"  
  
Draco turned and was greeted with the gold eyes of his former DADA teacher. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes, you did." He drew back, allowing Harry an unobstructed view.  
  
Remus' eyes filled with tears as he looked upon Harry's pale face. "Harry," he whispered.   
  
Harry couldn't speak, just opened his arms, arms that Remus practically flew into. "Oh my boy," Remus murmured into Harry's hair. "I'm so sorry."  
  
Harry drew back. "What do you have to apologize for?" he asked. A shadow fell over his eyes. "I'm the one responsible for Sirius dying, after all."  
  
"Oh, Harry-no!" Remus caught the boy up in his arms again. "You did nothing. Sirius-" he choked a little on the name-"made his own choice. He chose to give his life in order to protect yours."  
  
"But...I know how much you miss him...."  
  
Remus appeared at a loss for words. Draco stepped in. "And you miss him any less? Do you not mourn your godfather, love?"  
  
Harry looked down at his lap. "More than you can imagine."  
  
"Harry, look at me." Harry's chin was gently grasped so that his eyes met Remus'. "I made a mistake. Sirius' death...hit me hard, and I allowed myself to be consumed. I forgot that others missed him as well...especially you. I should've been there for you Harry. Albus has told me what has been going on here...and I wish that I had been brave enough to be there for you."  
  
"You and me both," Draco murmured under his breath.  
  
Remus shot a look at Draco. "And what is that supposed to me?" he asked mildly.  
  
"Nothing-it's just that everyone is sorry *now*. Everyone feels bad *now*, and everyone wants to do something *now*. Where were all of you when Harry was falling apart little by little? Where were you when Harry stopped defending himself, because he was forced to carry the world on his shoulders? Where was all the support then?" Draco stopped talking and just stared.   
  
"Draco, don't." Harry gently pushed Remus aside and, for the first time since he had landed in that hospital bed, stood.  
  
Draco's anger quickly turned to worry. "Harry-"  
  
Harry shook his head. On shaking legs, he walked over to Draco and touched his cheek gently. "Thank you for defending me," he said softly, "but...I'm trying to forget the past. Maybe they weren't there then, but they're here now, and that's what counts."  
  
"You always have forgiven too easily," Draco responded, placing his hand over Harry's.  
  
"I agree with Draco," Remus commented. "I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself, personally, but your forgiveness means a lot." He cast a critical eye on Harry. "I suspect that many people have been telling you what's best for you of late, am I right, Harry?"  
  
He nodded. "I feel so...fragile, and I don't want to feel that way."  
  
"Well then, tell me-what do you want?"  
  
Harry looked up at Remus, green eyes shining. "I want to go home, Remus."  
  
Remus smiled. "Then we'll make that happen."  
  
Draco looked a little doubtful. "What about school?" he asked. 'What about me? I don't want to let him go...but if he wants Remus....'  
  
"I'll arrange something with the Headmaster." Remus looked over at Draco and saw the way that he was regarding Harry. 'I wonder.... I'll have to talk to Albus about that, as well.'  
  
He failed Harry once. He wasn't going to do that a second time. Not if he could help it.  
  
********** 


	17. Reconciliation

After Remus left to go talk to Dumbledore, Harry turned huge, dazed eyes onto Draco. "Did I just dream all of that?" he demanded. "Is this all some twisted dream that waking from will just add to the pain, not lessen it?"  
  
"No, of course not." Draco returned to Harry's side. "I was here, Harry. I saw-and heard him." He looked deep into Harry's eyes. "It *is* a good thing-right?"  
  
Harry nodded. "It is, but...good things don't happen to me, Draco, not unconditionally. Eventually, something else goes horribly wrong. I 'defeated' Voldemort when I was a baby...but my parents died. I came to Hogwarts, found friends-and kept getting thrown into situation after situation where my life, and, more importantly, my friends' lives were put into danger. I 'won' the Triwizard Tournament, but what did that brief moment of happiness result in? Cedric's death and Voldemort's resurrection. And it's just been more death. Maybe...good things just aren't supposed to happen to me."  
  
Seeing the belief in Harry's eyes, Draco railed at the fates that led Harry down his lifepath. Unable to do anything else, he gathered Harry into a hug. "Oh, love...."  
  
"'Love'?"  
  
The new voice made both Harry and Draco start. Draco pulled away from Harry, stood, and turned to face the intruder. "Weasley. How did you get in here?"  
  
"Madam Pomfrey let me in." Ron's eyes narrowed. "Is that you game then, Malfoy? Tell Harry that you love him, make sure that you're the only one he can turn to...and then what? Will you finish the job your dear Daddy started?"  
  
Draco reeled like he had been shot, face turning deathly pale.   
  
"Ron!" Harry made sure that he had Ron's complete attention. "Don't do this," he begged. "Please...leave Draco be. He hasn't tried to harm me at *all*. He helped defeat Voldemort-he killed his own *father* to protect me-and he gave me support when no one else did for the choices I had to make. Don't ruin that, Ron, *please*."   
  
Ron blinked. Harry...begging for *Malfoy*? "Did he do something to you, mate? Some sort of spell, or potion? Because the Harry I knew would never have taken up for Malfoy."  
  
Harry's eyes filled with tears. "Maybe you don't know me as well as you thought," he whispered.  
  
Ron came closer, seeing Harry's tars. "Harry? Are you all right?"  
  
Harry snapped. "No, I am *not* all right! I've spent the past month being hated by my best friend-whether justified or not, I'm not even going to go into that. Finally, when it seems like I have no other choice, I set out to do the one thing I should've done long ago, only to be stopped by one of the *few* people who actually seemed to give a damn about me. And now you come back in here and start *insulting* the one person who's helped keep me alive for the past few days-because believe me." Harry's words dropped to a hiss. "I *would've* found a way to finish the job." He sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if I should just...end it all now, anyway. All I seem to do is bring strife and upset to the people I care about. And I *do* care about you Ron, even after all of this."  
  
Ron's eyes widened. "You...still want to die?"  
  
Draco had gone even paler at the thought. "Please, Harry...please, no."  
  
Harry's eyes looked resigned as he regarded both Ron and Draco. "Sometimes, yes. I wonder if it's even possible for people to be happy while I'm around." He turned to state at the wall. "I hope Remus is able to arrange something," he said, almost to himself. "I need to get away from here."  
  
"Remus is awake?"  
  
Draco rolled his eyes at Ron. "Awake and here and trying to arrange to get Harry out of this place."  
  
"But Harry...where will you go?" Ron was in shock. He knew he had made a near-fatal mistake, going off on Draco like that, but he had hoped that he'd have time to repair with Harry what they-no, what *he*--had broken.  
  
"Anywhere. The bottom of the ocean is beginning to look good to me."  
  
Draco glared at Ron. "I hope you're happy," he said, practically spitting out the words. "We've been trying to *heal* Harry, and now look at what's happened!"  
  
"No, Draco." Harry looked up at him. "Don't blame Ron, or Hermione, or Remus, or even yourself. There is no one to blame but me. I've caused it all."  
  
"That's not true!" Ron pushed past Draco to grab Harry's hands. "*You* have done nothing, Harry Potter, do you hear me?"  
  
Harry scoffed. "Well, no one made me drive a knife into my chest."  
  
"No, you're right about that, mate. But...you made a choice, and you had so few options. I forgot something in my own grief and pain over this war-I miss my brothers, yes. But you...you carried the whole weight of this thing on your shoulders. We *all* bought into the Boy Who Lived hype, knowing full well that it meant that every fight, and every death, was in your name. And I forgot-we all forgot-what that effect could be on you. And then...when you fulfilled what everyone wanted you to do, we turned on you for that. I can't imagine what a burden it's been for you."  
  
Harry sighed, looking deep into Ron's eyes. "I never wanted any of it," he said in a broken voice, "but no one ever listened to me. All of those people who died for *me*--" Harry laughed bitterly. "I'd have much more preferred Sirius, or Percy, or Charlie, or *any* of them alive. There was nothing special about me-just a scar that signified someone *else's* sacrifice for me. But I did it, anyway. I defeated Voldemort. And then...then to have those who were called before martyrs for the side of Light, to have them renamed sacrificial lambs at my 'altar of power'...I heard the whispering, you know. About how I'd end up becoming the next Voldemort. I killed with the curse once, you know-I'd do it again."  
  
Harry laughed, bitterness verging on hysteria. "And that you believed it, Ron, that you believed that I could *ever* do something like that...it killed something inside of me. Something that had survived all those deaths, all those attempts on my life, on yours' and Hermione's lives...just withered up and died when I realized that my best friends in the world could believe such a thing of me. Don't you think I'd have been taken from here if anyone thought I was a true danger? I was examined, after, for any sign that I could become...*that*. They were ready to lock me up somewhere if I did show something...but I didn't. I couldn't. And you hated me anyway."  
  
Draco gazed at harry. "You're doing it," he murmured under his breath. "You're finally bleeding off some of the poison."  
  
Ron was openly crying. "Harry, I...you're right, I should've known better...I...." He trailed off and looked away. "You should hate me. You should hate me, and I know that it's justified. I hate myself."  
  
"Don't you get it, Ron?" Harry, as had been dome so many times to him, grabbed Ron's chin and forced him to look at him. "Hate is what *will* turn us into creatures like Voldemort and the Death Eaters. It's why I was able to defeat him. Voldemort fought with hate-hate for Light, hate for me, hate for anyone who stood in his way. I fought with *love*--love of my parents, my godfather, my friends-I fought with that love surrounding me. So I *couldn't* become like him. It's why I can't hate *you*, Ron, though even you wouldn't blame me for doing so."  
  
"Gods, Harry...I'm so *sorry*!" He threw his arms around Harry and held him close. "Can you...will you ever trust me again?"  
  
Harry sighed. "I don't know, Ron. I *want* to...but it will take a long time. Can you live with that? Will you be here, proving that I *should* trust you?"  
  
Ron gave Harry a watery grin through his tears. "Always, Harry. I mean it-always."  
  
"Even with Draco here? Even with him in love with me?"  
  
"Do you love *him*?"  
  
"Again, I don't know. I don't know if I can, yet. But I want to." Harry looked at Ron, utterly serious. "Can you handle that?"  
  
"If Malf--*Draco* is what makes you happy, then I'll support you." Ron rose and turned to Draco. "I shouldn't have said-well, a *lot* of things to you. I'm making a fresh start with Harry, here-can I make a fresh start with you, too?" He held out his hand.  
  
Draco looked from Ron, to Harry, then back at Ron again. "I know you mean a lot to him," he said slowly, "so for Harry's sake, I'll try." He took Ron's hand. "Maybe, one day...I'll like you for your sake."  
  
Harry watched the scene in front of him. Maybe...just maybe, things could begin to heal and mend, now.  
  
********** 


	18. Leaving

"Can I interrupt?"  
  
Ron looked up from where he had been talking to Harry when he heard the voice. "No way!" he exclaimed. "I had heard that you were...ill."  
  
Remus smiled. "I was...but something more important brought me back." He looked at Harry, who flushed.  
  
"I'm not *that* important," he muttered.  
  
Remus raised an eyebrow, but chose not to comment. Instead, he said, "I've spoken to Albus, Harry, and between the two of us, we've arranged something."  
  
Harry perked up some, "You mean, I can leave here?"  
  
Ron's eyes narrowed. "Where are you going?" he asked.  
  
"Out of the Hospital wing, hopefully. Beyond that...." Harry turned hopeful eyes onto Remus.  
  
"We're going home, Harry."  
  
Draco smiled at Harry. "I'm glad for you, I really am."  
  
"Wait." Ron's brow furrowed as he processed the news. "Harry's *leaving*?"  
  
"If that's what he still wants. Well, Harry?"  
  
"Of course I want to go home, Remus. You know that."  
  
"Harry? You're going away? But...we're just starting to get things back on track. Are you leaving because of me?"  
  
"Oh, honestly, Ron." Draco rolled his eyes. "It's not always all about you."  
  
Ron glared at Draco, but Harry intervened before the truce could be permanently damaged. "I'm not leaving because of you, Ron, or because of anyone," he said. "I need to get away from the memories...I need to find who I am outside of the Boy Who Lived...and I can't do that here, not when every stone reminds me of *something*. Do you understand, Ron?"  
  
"Not really...but then, I've never been in your shoes. I'll trust that you understand it, and leave it at that."  
  
"Thanks, Ron." Harry looked relieved. Looking back up at Remus, he asked, "How is this going to work?"   
  
"Well, Albus said the work isn't going to be a problem. I've taught before, and I should have no problems teaching you now. The only area where I'd have problems is with Potions, and Severus has agreed that, rather than have you be exposed to my bumbling, he'll come out two evenings a week to tutor you." Remus paused for effect. "Of course, I suspect that this has more to do with the fact that he doesn't want Draco here spoiled by my efforts."  
  
Draco blinked. "Are you saying...?" He was unable to finish the thought.  
  
Remus nodded. "Albus wants to make sure that someone is there for Harry. As you've seemed to dedicate yourself to being there-as well as the fact that Albus suspects that you'd not do well without being able to see Harry-it has been decided that Draco will come with us. Besides, Harry seems comfortable with you, Draco."  
  
"Is...that all right with you, Harry? I don't want to do anything that you don't want, and I-"  
  
"Draco." Harry held up a hand. "It's fine. More than fine, actually. Believe me."  
  
Ron wasn't satisfied. "I understand that it might be best for Harry to get out for awhile, and *maybe* I can wrap my head around the concept of Draco going as well. But what about Harry's other friends? Will we ever be able to see him?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Already thought of. Anyone who Harry wants to see can see him on Hogsmeade weekends. Arrangements will be made for transport to my home. Any other questions?"  
  
"Just one." Remus looked at Harry. "When do we go?"  
  
Remus grinned. "Well, Draco has to get what he needs, and someone has to get your stuff-"  
  
"I'll do that," interrupted Ron.  
  
"-and as soon as we have a Portkey made, we can be off."  
  
Harry swallowed. 'Have to face my fear of them sooner or later, I suppose.' "Fine...that sounds fine."  
  
Draco placed a hand on Harry's cheek. "I'll be back soon, love." Uncaring about his audience of Remus and Ron, Draco brushed a light kiss over Harry's lips and ran off to his room.   
  
Remus raised an eyebrow. "I see I may have to rethink the sleeping arrangements," he commented.  
  
Harry blushed bright red. "We're not like that," he said, wishing all the while that he could melt into the floor. "Draco loves me, yes, but it's not something I'm ready for, and he knows that. Nothing will happen."  
  
Remus looked at Harry thoughtfully. "Not something you're ready for...is that sex or love?"  
  
"Remus!" If Harry thought he was red before, he was scarlet now.  
  
Ron raised an eyebrow. "I...have to get your stuff," he said quickly, and dashed away before the conversation could get any *more* embarrassing.  
  
Harry glared at Remus. "Hey, I'm your guardian, now. It's my job to ask these questions."   
  
Harry sniffed primly. "In any case, the answer to your question is both. I never wanted sex without love, and I'm *certainly* not ready for love." He sighed. "I don't know if I ever will be."  
  
"Oh, Harry." Remus smoothed back his bangs. "Of course you will be, one day. Take things as they come." He straightened. "Now, I believe I have a Portkey to arrange."  
  
Harry nodded. "The sooner we get home, the better. I'm sick of this place."  
  
********** 


	19. Interlude

Author's Note: This isn't really part of the story itself, but due to someone's insistence--*cough*Shinigami*cough*--I decided to write the reactions of some...well...other people. This reacts to everything from the previous part back to the beginning, and will not affect the flow of future events. I hope you're all happy :-p  
  
**********  
  
Five figures were gathered around a bowl. It looked much like a pensive, but if one were to look inside, they'd not see someone's memories, but the present of an actual person playing out.  
  
One of the figures, with long dark hair and a handsome face, wiped away a tear. "I knew Remy would come through. Do you know how much I've wanted to *throttle* him these past few weeks, as much as I love him?"  
  
A redheaded man leaned lazily against the wall of the chamber they were in. "I know-I've been sorely tempted to go down there and smack Ron around! I don't know how he could be some dense! And Ginny, while I'm at it, for going along."  
  
"Now, Charlie!" The other redheaded man looked alarmed. "You know it's against the rules to interfere with the lives of the living!"  
  
"Oh, lighten up, Percy." The longhaired man, Sirius, dragged himself away from the basin to interfere in the brothers' fight. "Charlie knows that as well as you and I. Can you honestly say that you haven't been at *all* affected by your brother's attitude?"  
  
"Well...." Percy bit his lip. "I'm not proud of him, certainly. Ron's actions were unforgivable. The fact that Harry's even willing to try...." He smiled. "Honestly, Charlie, if he hadn't gotten it through his think skull that Harry did what he had to and that he by no means killed *us*...I might very well have helped you while you beat some sense into our little brother."  
  
Charlie slapped his brother on the back, laughing. "I knew you had it in you, Perce!"  
  
Still by the bowl, a woman with long auburn hair and glowing green eyes reached out a hand to the image shown, but didn't quite touch it. "He's had a hard road to walk," she whispered. "If only I could've done something long ago...." She wiped away a tear.  
  
"Now, Lilly." A man with messy dark hair and glasses walked up behind the woman. "You know I'd have done anything to be able to help Harry, but Percy's right-we can't." He smiled at his friend. "If we could, Padfoot here would never have been accused of betraying us. He could've raised Harry."  
  
Sirius sighed. "You'll never know how much I regret all that has happened, James," he said sadly.  
  
James shook his head. "What's past is past. Let's worry about the future, now."  
  
Charlie shook his head. "I never thought I'd be grateful for a Malfoy, or Snape, for that matter. We owe them a lot."  
  
Sirius growled lowly. "I *hate* that that bastard Snape was able to help Harry where *we* couldn't-but I suppose I *am* glad, all the same."  
  
Lilly blinked. "Has the Muggle Hell frozen over?" she quipped. "Or did Sirius *really* say something polite towards Severus?"  
  
Sirius turned from Lilly. Percy wandered back over to the bowl and whispered something. Instantly, the focus changed from Harry to a young man with white-blonde hair and silver-gray eyes. "What do you all think of Draco's feelings for our Harry?"  
  
James' eyes narrowed. "I never trusted Lucius," he said, "and I was proven right. But as for his son...well, of all of us, Percy, you knew him best. What do you think?"  
  
Percy frowned. "Well...I was never too fond of Draco," he admitted. "Always acting so superior, insulting anyone who he didn't think worthy of him, but-"  
  
"Admit it," Charlie said. "You just didn't like him insulting out Ron."  
  
"As I was saying?" Percy waited for any other interruptions, then continued. "But that turned out to be Lucius' influence, not Draco himself. Draco *did* turn away from his father, even killed him-for Harry." He sighed. "I'm just not sure what to think."  
  
"Well, neither does Harry," Lilly pointed out. "He's already told Draco that he can't love him, not yet. If Draco sticks around through what is sure to come, and doesn't pressure Harry...well, then, that'll be proof enough for me." She shifted the bowl's focus back to her son. "All I want is for him to be happy," she murmured sadly.  
  
"We all want that," Charlie assured her. He shifted the focus to his brother, and watched him rant about the situation to Hermione and Ginny. "Although, if Ron persists in this behavior, I just may have to teach him a lesson, regardless of the rules. It's making me ashamed to be his brother, watching the way Ron acts like everything is being done just to spite him-like Harry asked for all this in the first place!"  
  
For once, Percy didn't complain about breaking the rules. He merely nodded in agreement and clapped a hand onto his brother's shoulder.  
  
"Well," Sirius stated, "at least Remy is there for him. I'm glad Albus was able to get through to him-I hated knowing that harry was without at least one of us. Besides, that's no way to grieve-now Remy can work through it, just like everyone else." Tears sparkled in his eyes. "But, I still miss him so much...."  
  
James put his arm around his longtime friend. "As we miss them all, Padfoot. As we miss them all."  
  
Silently, the five gathered into a supportive group and began to watch the people they missed and loved once again.  
  
**********  
  
End Interlude 


	20. Homecoming

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to get this out. I've been dealing with horrible insomnia, then the New York Renaissance Faire happened, and thanks to *that*, I got the sunburn from Hell. It still hurts to move, but it's more bearable now, so I was finally able to sit and finish this part. The next couple parts may be a little more slowly, but I'm going to try and finish up as much of this as possible before school starts again. Thanks for reading! :)  
  
**********  
  
Harry was practically twitching by the time Remus and Draco came back to the Hospital wing. "Where's Ron?" he wondered, pacing as much as Draco would allow him. "I want to get out of here."   
  
"That desperate to get away from us?" Harry turned, and saw Hermione, Ron, and Neville in the doorway.  
  
"You know it's not *that*, 'Mione. I just...." Harry sighed. "Well, we'll lock you in here for a few days and see how *you* feel about it."  
  
Ron stepped forward. "Here's your things, Harry." He studied his friend carefully. "Take care, Harry, and we'll be seeing you, first opportunity."  
  
"I didn't expect anything else." Nodding to Hermione and Neville, Harry took a couple steps back. "We need to be going now. Where's that Portkey?"  
  
Remus held up a quill. "It'll activate in a minute, so gather 'round."  
  
Draco reached out and laid a finger on the quill. Harry reached towards it, but found himself flinching back. Draco looked at the near-panic on Harry's face. "Harry?"  
  
"I-it's silly, really. I shouldn't be afraid. Remus would never let me come to harm." Wincing, Harry touched the quill with the least amount of contact possible. A look of concern appeared on Draco's face, but as Harry had closed his eyes, he never saw it.  
  
Harry felt the pull, sensed the changing scenery. When the sense of motion stopped, Harry stood there, afraid to open his eyes, his mind replaying the different unpleasant places the 'keys had brought him over the years. He was terrified that he would not see a house when he opened his eyes, but a dark graveyard, a bolt of green lightning striking out to strike down those around him....  
  
A hand on his arm made Harry gasp, and his eyes flew open to see Remus' concerned face hovering in front of him. "Harry?" he asked, brushing back the boy's bangs. "What's wrong? Talk to me."  
  
Harry focused on his breathing for a moment, fighting down the panic that had surged. "I...I thought...I...that...." He stopped, tried to force coherency. "I really hate Portkeys," he finally said, and his expression prevented Remus and Draco from arguing. "I...I think I'd like to be alone for a bit, get some sleep."  
  
Draco looked ready to protest, but Remus jumped in. "That might be a good idea, Harry. You know where your room is, and everything should be arranged. Draco's going to be sleeping in there with you-is that all right?"  
  
"Sure." Harry's voice sounded dulled with exhaustion. "Just...let me go to bed."  
  
"I'll be waking you up for dinner, you know."  
  
"I know." Harry gave Remus a brief hug. "Thanks," he whispered, before going off down the hall.  
  
Remus waited until he heard the door to Harry's room close before turning to Draco. "Do you have any idea what that was about?" he asked, concerned for Harry.  
  
Draco bit his lip. "I think I have an idea," he said slowly. "It was during that whole Triwizard fiasco-you weren't there. The third task...it ended with an unexpected Portkey. Harry and Cedric left together...but only Harry came back alive. I really don't think that anyone except Dumbledore and perhaps Sirius ever knew the real story of what had happened, but it was obvious that it had affected Harry greatly. Other than that...well, there were rumors...but Harry and I weren't exactly what you'd call 'friends,' so I really can't tell you anything more."  
  
Remus looked down the hall, as if he could see Harry through the walls. "I feel like we've failed him," he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "None of us could be there when he needed us. And then, when Sirius died...I gave into my own grief, and forgot about the boy who had just become my ward. How much of this could've been prevented?" He sighed. "Did I do the right thing, bringing him home?"  
  
Draco placed a hand on Remus' shoulder. "*I* think so," he stated firmly. "I don't think that Hogwarts was what he needed...and the two of you need each other. You did the right thing."  
  
"And you." Remus looked closely at Draco. "You say you love him, but you know he does not return your love. Will you be content, loving him and getting nothing back? Will you be able to not pressure him, to not force Harry into situations he might not be able to resist simply because he's vulnerable? Or are you just going to end up hurting him as well?"  
  
"Remus." Draco stood taller and braced himself. "I got angry when Harry's friends implied similar things. But...I owe you honestly and plain speech. Yes, I love Harry. And, while I hope that he will someday love me as well, I am willing to have his friendship, willing to just be happy that he is alive and recovering. If Harry finds it in him to love someone that is not me...I will be hurt, yes, but I want Harry to be happy, even if it isn't me that makes him happy. He *deserves* happiness. I would never pressure Harry, or force him to choose, or do anything of the sort. For the first time in a long time, I think, his body and mind are completely his own-I will do nothing to threaten that." He eyed Remus. "Is that good enough for you?"  
  
Remus nodded and smiled. "Exactly what I wanted to hear." He wiped away a few tears. "Now, what do you say we go and start dinner?"  
  
********** 


	21. Definitions

Harry's eyes flew open and he bolted upright with a gasp.  
  
Once he realized he was awake, he slowly eased himself back onto the pillow, taking deep, slow breaths, trying to create a sense of calm. 'Another nightmare...I had hoped that they'd stop once I left, but, really, why should I be so lucky?'  
  
There was soft knock at the door, then it opened, Remus' head peeking into the room. "Harry?" he asked softly.  
  
"Yeah...I'm awake."  
  
Remus paused, hearing something in Harry's voice that he didn't like. Soundlessly, he entered the room and sat down on Harry's bed. "Care to talk about it?"  
  
"It's nothing, really. Just these bloody nightmares again." Harry let out an exasperated sigh. "It's bad enough I lived through it all-does my mind *really* have to make me see it all again while I sleep?"  
  
Remus ran his hand through Harry's hair comfortingly. "It's not unusual. I still dream of things that happened long ago. What you dream of...it was all so recent. Sometimes, time really is the best palliative."  
  
"It's not only that. I have...other dreams, too."  
  
"Other dreams?" Remus waited for Harry to respond. When no response was forthcoming, though.... "Is there something else bothering you?"  
  
"Yeah. Me."  
  
"Care to...elaborate on that?"  
  
"I'm just thinking about who I am." Harry looked up at the ceiling. "I took a coward's way out. I have to admit that, now."  
  
Remus frowned. "I hope you're not looking for me to condone your suicide attempt, Harry, because-"  
  
"No, that's not it at all!" Harry paused for a second, gathering his thoughts. "I...I've just realized how many people I'd have hurt if I had succeeded. The Headmaster, Hagrid-all of the staff, even Professor Snape. Draco, Neville. You-if you had woken up, only to find that I was gone as well...I don't want to think about that."  
  
Remus shivered. "Neither do I."  
  
"That's not all. Look at Ron. He lost two brothers, and very nearly lost his sister when Hogwarts was attacked. Hermione's father was paralyzed when Voldemort destroyed their house. Draco had to kill his own father, so many other students lost friends and loved ones...and none of them were out trying to off themselves."  
  
"Harry." Remus was at a loss for words. "Everyone has seen horrors, I will not deny that. And everyone has dealt with his or her emotions differently. Ron started lashing out, Draco became obsessive with protecting people-not just you, but all those he cares about. I withdrew. We all react in different ways. Granted, you chose a rather extreme method, but I don't think you wanted to kill *yourself*--just the feelings."  
  
"Remus, I don't know what I'm all about anymore. I'm not sure what prompted me to make that decision-any decision, for that matter. Who knows-maybe if I'd been patient for awhile longer, it would've all blown over with time. Sometimes I hate myself, Remus-I just feel trapped into a series of events over which I have no control anymore." He buried his face in his hands. "I wish that I had never tried to kill myself."  
  
Remus pulled Harry into a hug. "I wish the same thing," he whispered into Harry's hair. "It hurts me, to see the pain you've been enduring. But you're strong, Harry. You'll get through this."  
  
"If I were strong, would I have tried to kill myself in the first place?"  
  
"Harry...I can't give you the answers you're looking for. No one can. The fact that you're looking, though...gives me joy. And sometimes...sometimes we don't know how strong we are, until we're forced to face it. Do you want my opinion?"   
  
Harry nodded. "Well, I think that you made the initial decision under a great deal of stress. You hadn't allowed yourself to grieve, and you were trying to take on everyone else's pain. But since then.... There's a lot you have to face yet, and you know. And instead of taking the same route out again, you're trying to face up to those struggles. That is why I think you're strong, Harry. Don't you understand?"  
  
Remus tilted up Harry chin so they were eye-to-eye. "You're still here. You may have given up once, but you haven't since."  
  
"But I'm afraid, Remus! I don't know if I can do it-I don't know if I *can* face all this, face what I've become. Do you know how much it hurts-to see Draco's love for me in his eyes, or to feel Hermione's friendship for me, and to not be able to feel a thing in return? Even you, Remus, you who only loves me like a father or uncle, even your love scares me. Where is the strength in *that*?"  
  
"There is no one definition of what makes a strong person, Harry. You acknowledge what you can and cannot feel, while also acknowledging the validity of the feelings other people have for you. You're not hiding, or trying to push us all away, or something similar. Maybe that's what strength is for you right now. Maybe it will change one day, maybe not. But you're facing it all the same.  
  
"I can't tell you that you are or aren't a strong person. Only you can tell yourself that-and only you can act on it. What I can tell you, though, is that I care about you, as do so many other people, and we will help however we can."  
  
Harry pulled away from Remus. "I...you've given me a lot to think about," he said slowly.  
  
"Well, while you're thinking, how does dinner sound?"  
  
Harry looked up at Remus and gave him a small smile. "Dinner sounds lovely to me."  
  
********** 


	22. Living

As the days passed, Draco wasn't sure what to think anymore.  
  
Sometimes, Harry would seem like he was recovering. His actions were more subdued, and he didn't smile much, but he responded to people, reached out for help, and didn't try to avoid everything.  
  
However, there were times where Harry just...shut down. Seemed to curl up inside of himself, and nothing Draco did or said had any affect on Harry. Finally, after watching Harry gaze out the window, ignoring Draco entirely, Draco brought his concerns to Remus.  
  
Remus looked thoughtful. "I can understand why you're worried, Draco, but, think about it. He's recovering from a lot, and sometimes, you just need to think, to be by yourself. I'm sure that he's not trying to hurt you."  
  
Even as he tried to appease Draco's fears, Remus couldn't quite help worrying some himself. True, Harry had assured him that he had no intentions of trying to kill himself again, but Remus knew that the situation that Harry had come out of wasn't so easy to be rid of. How often had he himself sat and shut out the world, while wondering if his life was worth living? Yes, the situations were different-Remus trapped by a werewolf's curse, and Harry trapped by his inner demons-but the feelings were still very much real.  
  
He went into the living room and gazed at the boy. 'Harry...you're all I have left now. I'd give anything and everything to defeat this for you...but I know this is a battle that you'll have to fight yourself. If only I knew what was going on inside your head...maybe....'  
  
**********  
-  
Harry heard what was going on around him-he just didn't care. As much as he wanted to, he just...couldn't. Every time he tired to respond to Remus' concern or Draco's compassion, something inside him froze. It took him some time, but he had finally identified that feeling. Fear.  
  
'Why should I be afraid?' he wondered as he watched the sunset. Ignoring the more...romantic feelings Draco has for me at the moment, I shouldn't be reacting this way to *Remus* of all people. He just wants to be a father to me.'   
  
Harry froze. 'A father....' Sirius had been as a father to him, and he was gone now. So many of the people that he had cared for in his life were either gone or hurt-and it all had centered in a twisted way around him. 'Is this why I'm afraid...?'  
  
He felt Draco and Remus beside him. "Will you go away, too?"  
  
Draco jumped. Masking his fright, he asked, "What do you mean, Harry?"  
  
"The people I care about go away from me, either physically or emotionally. Is that why I'm so afraid to care for the both of you?"  
  
Draco was at a loss for words. Remus stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the boy he was beginning to view as his own son.  
  
"We can't make promises, Harry. Life is an uncertain thing, even with Voldemort gone. I can tell you, though, that I will never go of my own free will." Remus paused. "Is that what you think? That people *want* to leave you?"  
  
Harry sighed. "I really don't know. If I knew...I'd be able to fix it." He suddenly growled, frustrated. "I can't stand this!" he shouted abruptly, standing. "I'm tired of not knowing how or what I feel, I'm tired of not knowing what's wrong, and I'm tired of the fact that I'm causing the both of you pain when that's the *last* thing that I want to do!" He collapsed to his knees. "Make it go," he whispered to himself. "Make it go away...."  
  
"Oh, love." Draco sank down next to him, wrapped his arms around the trembling form. "I wish it were that simple."  
  
Harry let out a heartbreaking cry. "I want to love you, Draco...I really do. Some days, I feel so close to it...and then I shut down. I don't know how to break through it-I want to give you what you want, but I can't."  
  
Draco stiffened. "We need to get one thing straight right now, Harry-I would like you to love me back, yes. But what I *want*, more than anything, is for you to become your old self again, or, at least, as close to it as possible. If you've been trying to force yourself to love me, because you think it's what I want from you, or because you think you owe me something, or something like that, *stop*. I don't want you hurting yourself, Harry, and certainly not over me."  
  
Harry collapsed back into Draco. "You really mean that?" he sniffed.  
  
"Of course I do. Harry, your happiness is what's important to me. If you don't love me, but are happy, that's fine with me. If you love me and are happy, that's fine with me, too. If you decided to live the rest of your life as a Muggle and *that's* what makes you happy, then go for it. Bottom line-live for yourself. I know you've had a lot placed on your shoulders, but that's in the past now. It's time for you to live your own life, not what others want for you."  
  
"I'm not sure I know how. I've spent nearly seventeen years having almost everything decided for me."  
  
"That's what we're here for, myself, Remus, Hermione, Neville, Ron...all of us. We'll help you along the way, but it's *you* that has to take those first steps."  
  
Harry looked at Draco with large, wet eyes. "Do you really think I can do it?"  
  
"I won't lie to you, Harry-it might be hard. But I have no doubt that once you decide to go for it, nothing can stop you." Draco's gaze bore into Harry's. "*Live*," he said, softly but intensely. "Live and feel. Not for me, not for Remus or anyone else, but for *yourself*."  
  
Harry didn't speak, but Draco saw a light in Harry's eyes, a light he hadn't seen in ages. For the first time since everything had started, he began to feel better...about everything.  
  
Nearby, Remus smiled on the scene. 'Good for you, Draco. You've done what I couldn't. Maybe I'll get my Harry back, after all.'   
  
********** 


	23. Visitation: Information Excahnge

Hermione, Ron, and Neville stood in the middle of Hogsmeade, waiting.  
  
Ron was pacing some. "Do you think he'll remember? Do you think he'll come?"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ron, really! This is Professor Lupin we're talking about-he'll be here."  
  
Neville wore a worried frown. "What if Harry doesn't want to see us?"  
  
"Well if he hadn't," a voice said behind them, "he wouldn't have allowed me to make arrangements at all."  
  
The three jumped in surprise and fright. "Professor Lupin," Hermione scolded. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that."  
  
Remus laughed. "I shouldn't but it's fun. And call me Remus, all of you-I haven't been your professor for a few years now."  
  
Ron was almost literally bouncing. "Are we going to see him?" he half-asked, half-demanded.  
  
Before Hermione could start scolding again, Remus nodded and started walking, waving a hand. "Follow me, and we'll get going."  
  
Two minutes and a Portkey trip later found the four standing in front of a small house in the woods. "Is this where you live?" asked Neville politely.  
  
Remus nodded. "Harry should be around here somewhere...I bet I know where!" He lad the three around to the back of the house. There they found Harry sitting on a sun-warmed rock, eyes closed and oblivious to the rest of the world.  
  
"Harry!" Hermione was the first to run over, followed closely by the two boys. "We're so happy to see you again!"  
  
Harry's eyes opened, and he nodded in their direction. "It's good to see you as well, guys."  
  
Ron's eyes narrowed. "You're not smiling."  
  
"No, I'm not." Harry shrugged. "It's a long story, but suffice it to say that I really don't feel like smiling much."  
  
"You just don't want to see us!" Ron's tone was accusing.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "I haven't really smiled at Professor Lupin," he pointed out. "Besides, you just got here-that could still change."  
  
Neville nodded, trying to keep the peace. "So...where's Draco?"  
  
Harry waved a hand towards the house. "Inside. He didn't want to risk any...conflicts, so he decided to make himself scarce for today."  
  
"He didn't have to do that," Hermione said, but she still sounded kind of relieved.  
  
"Do you mind if I go in and say hello?" Neville asked.  
  
"Not at all."   
  
**********  
  
Neville let himself in the back door, wondering where to look for Draco. He didn't have to look very far-the blonde figure was seated at a window right by the door. "Neville," Draco acknowledged.  
  
"Draco. How are you doing?"  
  
"Fine, I suppose." Draco looked at the visitor. "I know what you came in here to ask-how is *Harry* doing?"  
  
Neville blushed. "Well...you know he wouldn't tell us the whole truth himself. And I really am concerned about you, Draco."  
  
Draco gave him a faint smile. "I know, I was just teasing you. As for Harry...." His voice trailed off as he looked back through the window. "I won't lie-it's been rough. But I really think that he's on the mend now."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well, look for yourself." Draco gestured out the window, where harry was having an animated conversation. "He hasn't once zoned out or tried to run away. Believe me, that's an improvement." The two silently watched the scene outside for a minute before Draco spoke again. "So, what's been going on out there in the real world?"  
  
Neville's face fell some. "Well...we weren't planning on telling Harry," he hedged.  
  
"And I won't either, not if I think it will harm him," Draco assured. "What's going on?"  
  
"Well, someone from the school leaked the information about Harry's...attempt to the press. We're pretty sure it was a student-there's actual bets as to which House the student was from."  
  
"Really. Which house has the best odds?"  
  
"Ummm...Hufflepuff, actually. They seem to carry the most intense and real dislike of Harry." Neville sighed. "But I'm letting myself be sidetracked. The point is, there have been reporters swarming all over the place, looking for information...and Harry himself, of course. The faculty hasn't been talking, so Harry's location is safe, but the student body...well, fifteen minutes of fame, and all that. It's been kind of rough."  
  
Draco frowned. "You're right-Harry doesn't need to know about this at all."  
  
"We didn't think so. Remus does, but I'm not sure if he'll bring it up or not. I'll let him and you decide about that-you know what's been going on here, and we don't."  
  
"You have impeccable judgement, Neville."  
  
"Why thank you. That's nothing short of the highest compliment, coming from you, Draco."  
  
They watched harry in silence for a few more minutes. Again, Draco broke the silence. "You should probably get back out there, Neville. I'm sure that they're wondering what's keeping you-Weasley probably thinks I've killed you or something-and besides, it's Harry you came to see, not me."  
  
Neville smiled. "Actually, it was both. But you're right-I better go before Ron decides to search, because then he'll find you, and who knows what will happen then?"  
  
Draco laughed. "Thank you for coming in here, Neville."  
  
"It's like I said-I had planned to. To get the truth, if nothing else." He sighed. "You really believe he's getting better?"  
  
"I do," Draco said softly. "What's more, I *have* to believe it. I...I don't think I could stand losing him, not now."  
  
Neville placed a hand on Draco's shoulder. "I don't think any of us could." He smiled. "If I don't see you again, goodbye and good luck, Draco."  
  
"Same to you. And...can I ask you a favor?"  
  
"Sure. What is it?"  
  
"Well...reporters have been trying to interview you, right?"  
  
Neville rolled his eyes. "Yes. And they don't like taking 'no' for an answer, either. Persistent devils."  
  
"Well." Draco's eyes glimmered with mischief. "Next time you're asked...punch them for me?"  
  
Neville burst out laughing. "It'll be a pleasure-for both you and me." With a final smile, he headed back out to Harry and his friends.  
  
********** 


	24. Visitation: Gossip

When Neville got outside, he found Ron and Hermione drilling Harry about how he was 'really doing.' Seeing Harry's frustrated face and remembering Draco's words, he decided to step in. "Oh, come on, guys. I'm sure Harry's being asked that every five minutes by Remus and Draco. I'm sure that if something was really wrong, he'd tell us."  
  
Harry shot Neville a grateful look. "I really am doing better. I'm not claiming to be recovered or anything, but I'm better than I was."  
  
Ron was about to protest when Hermione, seeing the look that Neville was shooting her, elbowed him in the side. "Well, anything's better than rock-bottom, and you have to admit, that's where you were," she put in smoothly. "Now what do you say we find something else to talk about?"  
  
Ron grumbled, rubbing his ribs, but didn't dare to say anything. Harry's expression lightened some. "Sounds good to me-you can catch me up on the Gryffindor gossip." He looked at Ron, trying to include him and soothe over his hurt feelings from Harry's refusal to talk. "How's Ginny's relationship with Colin going?"  
  
Ron shook his head. "It's not," he said with something between a chuckle and a groan. "Turns out she was going out with him just because she thought it would be betraying the family-well, me, really-to like *you*. Once everything was...ummm...'fixed,' I guess, she dropped Colin and is back to professing her undying love for you, Harry."  
  
Harry groaned and laid back on the rock, covering his eyes. "Great. Ron, you know I like your sister and all, but this crush of hers is insane! Why did she throw away someone as great as Colin?"  
  
"No insult taken, mate," Ron assured him. "She was trying her best to come here, saying that her love was all you needed, and that your falling for her would cure everything."  
  
"Luckily," Hermione put in, "there was a very short approved list for seeing you."  
  
Harry sighed. "Well...please, as long as she's in that mood, *don't* let her on that list! She'd be disappointed at any rate, anyway."  
  
"What do you mean?" Neville looked at him quizzically.   
  
"I've been having a hard time feeling...well, anything, of late," Harry confessed. "Even with Remus, who has always been like an uncle or something. To love someone like that when I can't even manage familial love.... Besides, even if I could, it wouldn't be with Ginny." He looked at Ron. "She scares me!"  
  
"Hey, you and me both!" Ron said, laughing.  
  
Hermione sniffed. "Just because she's got a crush on Harry does *not* make Ginny scary. Besides, at least she's willing to admit her feelings." With this statement, she slid a sly look at Ron.  
  
Harry sat up again, a look of interest on his face. "Ron? You have something to share?"  
  
"*Hermione*!" Ron swatted at her, but Hermione just smiled and darted out of his way. "You promised you wouldn't tell!"  
  
"Oh, come on," Hermione scoffed. "Who's Harry going to tell, anyway?"  
  
"I'm not worried about *him*." Ron looked pointedly at Neville.  
  
"Hey!" he protested. "I'm no gossip!"  
  
"You're stuck now," Harry pressed, liking this feeling of being the chaser in a conversation for once. "So you better just spill it now."  
  
Ron flushed bright red. "Well...." He mumbled something incoherently.  
  
"Come on, Ron. So we can all hear it."  
  
"Fine." Ron heaved an exasperated sigh. "Lavender Brown," he said, enunciating each syllable.   
  
Neville blinked. "Lavender? But doesn't she only have eyes for Seamus?"  
  
"No," Hermione said. "She's dating Colin now." She grinned sheepishly. "She, and I quote, 'felt sorry for the poor sweet thing.' Besides, Colin *is* good-looking."  
  
"So *that's* why Ginny was so mad!" Ron exclaimed, putting the pieces together.  
  
"I thought she broke up with him in the first place?" Neville asked, confused.  
  
Ron shrugged. "Maybe it's because he got over her so easily. I don't claim to understand girls."  
  
"Well, *that's* obvious," Hermione said tartly. "Otherwise you'd be able to get somewhere with Lavender."  
  
Harry shook his head at Ron's outraged shriek. 'This is what I needed,' he thought to himself. 'Some time where I'm not being worried about or fussed over. Maybe I can start to relax now.'   
  
Taking his own advice, Harry sat back and listened to the ebb and flow of gossip, losing himself in the pure enjoyment of an afternoon for the first time in a long time.  
  
********** 


	25. Return and Wishes

Rhetorical Author's Note/Question: Is it a sign that you have no life when all you have to do on your birthday is write on fics because you have no other plans? Just wondering :) *curses the fact that all her friends live out-of-state, except for one*  
  
**********  
  
When the afternoon ended, Ron had to be literally dragged away by Neville.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes at the sight, and reached over to give Harry a quick hug. "It was good seeing you," she said. "I'm glad we got this chance."  
  
"I'm glad, too," Harry said, sincerely. "I had missed you guys."  
  
"Then come back with us!" Ron shouted from a few feet away.  
  
Harry, who had until then been fairly relaxed, tensed at the idea. "I...I can't," he said helplessly. "Not now...not yet."  
  
"Harry?" Hermione looked at her friend. "It might help if you told us what you're so afraid of."  
  
"I...really can't say. It's so many things, and none of them make sense alone, or even to anyone but me, I'd say. Besides," Harry's tone lightened, trying to recapture the mood of earlier, "as long as Ginny's actively on the prowl, I don't dare to go back."  
  
Ron tilted his head. "I guess I'll have to pass that on to her, huh?"  
  
"Ron!" In total exasperation, she went over and grabbed Ron's arm, dragging him away. "We'll owl!" she called back over her shoulder. "Goodbye, Harry!"  
  
Harry waved after them. "Take care!"  
  
None of the three said a word until the reached Remus and Portkeyed back to Hogsmeade. On the walk back, Hermione sighed. "So, Neville, what did Draco tell you?"  
  
Neville flushed a little at being found out. Ron, on the other hand, narrowed his eyes. "When were you talking to *him*?"  
  
"Oh, honestly!" Hermione rolled her eyes. "Is there a limit you can reach of stupid things to say in one day? And if there is, have we reached it yet?"  
  
Ron looked insulted, but before he could make a retort, Neville jumped in. "Well, he told me several things that Harry never told us, nor was planning to, I suspect." And he poured out the little that Draco had said, as well as some of the things he'd read between the lines.  
  
Hermione frowned thoughtfully. "Well...that explains a lot." She looked to Ron. "You're not to tell your sister any of this."  
  
It was Ron's turn to roll his eyes. "I'm not *that* dense, Hermione. I love Ginny and all, but she'd probably redouble her efforts to 'cure' Harry, knowing her."  
  
"And I believe it would get her nowhere," Neville commented.  
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Well, you didn't see Draco today. He took great pains to avoid us, for Harry's sake. He didn't want to risk starting a fight. But the way he talked about Harry, the way he looked at him...that boy is really in love with our Harry."  
  
Ron blinked. "Well, that might be so, but what about Harry?"  
  
Neville thought for a minute. "Well...did you see Harry's eyes? Whenever Draco's name came up, I mean."  
  
Hermione looked thoughtful. "They...shone, almost. It was...nice."  
  
Neville nodded. "Harry himself told us that he wasn't ready to love *anyone*. But I think...when the time is right, it'll be Draco that he loves. He might already and just not be able to acknowledge it."  
  
Ron groaned dramatically. "Harry...in love with a Malfoy! I don't think I can take the shock."  
  
Hermione shot a cautioning look at him. "Ron...."  
  
He held up his hands defensively. "Peace! If Draco is what makes Harry happy...I won't say anything." Ron sighed. "I've learned *that* lesson, at least."  
  
Neville threw an arm around Ron's shoulders. "And people say that education's wasted on us!"  
  
Laughing, the three went into Hogwarts.  
  
**********  
  
After his friends had left, Harry remained outside, thinking in the twilight.  
  
Presently, Draco came out to join him. "What's up, Harry?"  
  
"Nothing much-just thinking." He looked up at the sky. "You ever made a wish on the first star you see in the sky?"  
  
Draco shook his head. "It never occurred to me, really."  
  
"Well, people do it in the Muggle world all the time. I used to, but none of my wishes ever came true. So I stopped. But...now I've figured out where I went wrong."  
  
"How's that?"  
  
Harry reached out and pulled Draco onto the rock with him. "You see right there? That bright white light?"  
  
"But Harry...that's Venus."  
  
"Exactly. I didn't know that when I was little, so I just gave up. I had almost forgotten...until tonight. And now I've realized-I was never wishing on a star at all. I was wishing on a planet-maybe that's why my wishes never came true." They sat for a few minutes before Harry pointed. "But see there?" He indicated a reddish speck in the sky.  
  
Draco nodded.  
  
"Well, that's Antares. A *real* star. So I'm thinking...maybe I'll try again." He closed his eyes. Draco saw Harry's lips moving, but couldn't decipher the words.  
  
"So? What did you wish for?"  
  
Harry shook his head. "Don't you know? You can never tell someone your wishes, otherwise they won't come true, and I'm not about to jinx *this* one."  
  
Draco laughed. "Impeccable logic, I'm sure, Harry." He ruffled the other boy's hair.  
  
With a sigh, Harry shrugged. "It might not be logical...but it brings hope. And I like that."  
  
Draco started as he felt Harry's head lean against his shoulder. Cautiously, he placed and arm around Harry, and smiled as Harry snuggled closer. 'Hope....'  
  
Draco turned his attention to the sky again. "Maybe there is something in wishing on stars after all, then." Harry made a small sound of affirmation.  
  
Looking, Draco found the star that Harry had pointed out. Closing his eyes, he dared to make a wish of his own.   
  
'I wish you would be able to laugh again, Harry. I wish that you could be happy once more....'  
  
********** 


	26. Reflections

It had been spring when he tried to kill himself, Harry reflected one morning, and now summer was here.  
  
He had always thought of spring as a time of rebirth and renewal, but as he felt his spirits lighten with every day, he had to rethink that. Spring might renew the rest of the word, but it was summer that restored *him*.  
  
Twilight had rapidly become his favorite part of the day, and it was not at all unusual to find Harry somewhere outside, gazing at the sky. His wish still hadn't come true, but he repeated it every night, taking they way he was starting to feel happier as a positive sign.  
  
Harry's recovery was having a positive effect on those around him, as well. Draco's eyes seemed to shine with a light all their own, and Remus' face became less drawn and weary. Every day, the two would watch the changes in Harry and give thanks to whatever higher power that was responsible for this.  
  
It wasn't all smooth going, though. Harry still found himself having trouble sleeping through the night, the nightmares still plaguing him, but he had gradually learned to separate the images in his dreams form the reality and his own self-image. He would still become wistful, or cry for no apparent reason, releasing the demons still inside him in the only way that he knew how.  
  
And he had begun to smile again. It had been a small thing that coaxed out of him what almost everyone had wanted to see for the longest time. Harry had been outside, when a noise in the tress startled him. Whirling, he was ready to defend himself, but instead of some danger, he saw a doe and her fawn standing at the tree line, gazing at him. Harry had stared back, amazed that these animals seemed to have no fear of humans. Rather, the fawn had started to take a few shaking steps toward him. Seeing this, a small smile appeared on Harry's face.   
  
Harry hadn't even known he was smiling, but Remus, who had been watching the whole scene with a smile of his own, did. Beckoning Draco forward, the two watched the proof of Harry's recovery showing clear and rejoiced silently in the fact that Harry had come this far.  
  
Even with these improvements, Harry hadn't been left unscathed by the events of his past. He was quieter now, more given to thinking than talking, a fact that had puzzled Ron at first. He was also more cautious, not taking nearly as many risks as he might have and one time, and he began to put a new emphasis on his studies, improving his grades so dramatically that even Professor Snape had praised his efforts.  
  
Hermione had initially been glad at Harry's newfound desire for learning, but it made even her sad to find that Harry didn't fly anymore.  
  
It had been Ron's idea to bring Harry his broom, remembering how Harry had always loved to be up in the air more than anything else in the world. Harry's face had lit up initially as he was handed his Firebolt, but that expression changed to something unreadable as he took to the air. After flying for a bit, he landed and handed Ron the broom, shaking his head.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ron," he said, voice echoing his words, "but it doesn't work for me, anymore, the flying."  
  
Ron stared at him, somewhere between shocked and appalled. "Not working? But Harry, you *love* to fly!"  
  
Harry shook his head. "Not anymore." His tone demanded no argument. "You keep the broom, Ron-you'd like it more than me."  
  
Ron hadn't argued with Harry about the flying, but he had refused the broom, too. He had hopes that Harry would recapture that part of himself one day, and when he did, he'd need that broom.  
  
Harry was having a better time with emotions, though. It took a long time, but he had finally become able to accept and appreciate the love and friendship that others had for him. Touching wasn't such a hit-or-miss thing anymore, and not too long ago, harry had been able to greet his friends with feelings of friendship of his own.  
  
He was still unable to love, though. The closest he had been able to come was a filial affection for Remus, but the thought of deeper emotions...frightened him. He'd look at Draco, and remember the words that Draco had said to him, remember the feelings that Draco had expressed for him, and feel like running and hiding from the intensity.  
  
At the same time, Draco hadn't made his love for Harry apparent for awhile now, and Harry had begun to wonder if Draco hadn't gotten over him. While part of Harry was in a way relieved-there was no reason that someone as good and kind and beautiful as Draco should wait around for someone who might never be whole again-at the same time, Harry was also strangely saddened by this seeming loss. He could never think about that, though, for every time he tried, something scared him away, as if there was a discovery waiting for him that he wasn't prepared to know yet.  
  
Harry blinked as rays of light pierced into his eyes. Looking at his watch, he realized that he had spent almost half the day in thought. Shaking his head, he stood and made his way out of his room. He knew that Remus and Draco still tended to get worried if he disappeared for too long, and Harry had no desire to worry anyone.  
  
Even if he couldn't love, he still cared about others' feelings.  
  
Draco wasn't in sight when Harry walked into the den, but Remus was, reading a book. Upon hearing Harry, he looked up and smiled. "Everything alright?"  
  
Harry gave him a gentle smile. "Getting closer every day.  
  
********** 


	27. Invitation

"Harry, you've gotten an invitation to the Burrow for a week. What do you think?"  
  
Harry looked up from his book and regarded Remus, startled. "The Burrow? Really?"  
  
"Yes." Remus glanced down at the parchment in his hand. "Molly Weasley writes that since school ended, Ron misses seeing you. She was planning on having the whole family home for a sort of reunion."  
  
Harry had been half-considering the offer, but flinched a little at the 'whole family' part. "I don't know," he said doubtfully. All those people...Remus, do you think I'm ready for that?"  
  
Remus looked at him archly. "Are you?"  
  
Harry smiled. "I suppose I should've know that you wouldn't go so easy on me."  
  
"Nope. Now answer the question."  
  
"I...I really don't know. A part of me wants to go, wants to see everyone...but I also remember what it was like, having everyone there. If it were just Ron and Ginny, I wouldn't really have to think about it, but...well, the twins were a handful to take when I *wasn't* so messed up, and...then there's the memories, the holes that will be there. I'm not sure how that will be."  
  
"I understand, and you're well within your rights to refuse. But Harry, I want you to remember something." Remus sat on the sofa next to Harry and looked at him seriously. "You can't hide from the world forever. I firmly believe that this time away was the best thing to do for you, and we've seen the positive results. However, you're going to have to go to Hogwarts again come next year. If you can't handle seven people, all of whom care about you and want only the best for you, how will you be able to handle a whole school full of people?"  
  
"You're right," Harry whispered, studying the cover of his book intently. "I...I should do this. I *have* to do this. I'm just nervous...I'll have no escape routes there, and that scares me."  
  
"Well, should you need to, you can come home early no problem. I'd like to see you try, but, like I said, the final decision is up to you."  
  
Harry straightened. "I'll go then."  
  
"Good." Remus smiled. "I'll go write Molly back, and tell Draco-"  
  
"About Draco," Harry interrupted. "I...I don't want him to go with me."  
  
Remus blinked, surprised. "Might I ask why?"  
  
"Because I need to learn to do things on my own. Draco's been great, but when you spoke of Hogwarts, you reminded me-he's a Slytherin, I'm a Gryffindor. We'd be apart a lot. Besides, this is going to be tough enough. I don't need the Draco/Ron tensions making things potentially worse."  
  
"Understandable. You tell Draco, then."  
  
"Do I-" Harry cut himself off. "Never mind, I know the answer already."  
  
Remus grinned. "You're finally learning, my boy."  
  
**********  
  
Finding Draco didn't prove to be very difficult. After all, the house wasn't that large. And even if Draco wasn't in the house, which proved to be the case, he never strayed far from the building. Taking all of this together, Harry only had to look for about five minutes before finding Draco.  
  
Draco was currently positioned under a tree, eyes closed. However, he opened them as he heard someone approach and smiled. "Harry. How are you?"  
  
"Alright." He sat down next to Draco and began to play with the grass. "I have something to talk to you about."  
  
"Anything, Harry. You know that."  
  
"The Weasleys have invited me to their home for a week." A pause. "I've accepted their invitation."  
  
Draco shrugged. "Well, I can't claim that I'll have fun, but-"  
  
"Actually," Harry interrupted, "that's what I've come to talk to you about." Draco waited as Harry took a breath. "I...I'm going by myself."  
  
Draco's expression didn't change visibly, but a light in his eyes dimmed. "May I ask why?" he asked, unconsciously echoing Remus.  
  
Harry heard something in his tone and responded to it. "I'm not trying to get rid of you or anything like that," he tried to assure the other teen. "It's just...Remus made a good point earlier. I'm going to have to face the world sooner or later. Might as well make it now. And...well...we're going to have to be apart quite a bit at school, anyway. I need to see if I can do this without you, now."  
  
"You don't...need me anymore, then?" Draco's voice was cool, a tone Harry hadn't heard since before the last battle. It scared him.  
  
"Don't be like this, Draco," he pleaded, trying to look into Draco's eyes. "I don need you-I need you so much it frightens me. And, like it or not, one day I'm not going to have you around to lean on-if I can't hold myself up for any amount of time, I'm doomed."  
  
"I understand, I really do," Draco said pleasantly-too pleasantly. He rose from the ground. "I should really go in now."  
  
"Draco, don't go!" Tears filled Harry's eyes. He knew that this moment was a pivotal point in their relationship. If Draco walked away...Harry didn't want to think about what he'd be losing. "Please, Draco."  
  
"No, Harry. You have a point. I *can't* be there all the time. I've gotten used to you being around as well. I guess I need to follow your example and just walk away." He suited actions to words.  
  
Harry rose to his feet hastily. "Don't! Please...come back."  
  
Draco kept walking.  
  
Harry was close to panicking. So many emotions inside him, so many things that he wanted to say.... The words burst out of his mouth without his conscious control.  
  
"Draco, I love you!"  
  
Draco froze. Harry froze as well.  
  
All around them, the woods reflected their stillness.  
  
********** 


	28. Love

'Did I just say that?' Harry thought as he waited for Draco to say something, move...anything. 'I just told Draco that I love him...and all I feel is...gladness. No fear. Can it be...?'  
  
Draco didn't turn around. "I heard you say something, but I'm sure that I heard it wrong. Could you repeat that for me?"  
  
"I love you, Draco." There was nothing dramatic behind this sentence. Just a simple statement of fact. Its simplicity was the most compelling thing about Harry's words.  
  
Draco did turn around then, expression unreadable, but his eyes glowing. "Do you, Harry? Do you really?" He started back towards Harry, slowly, cautiously.   
  
"I...I do, Draco. I didn't think I did, but...you were walking away, and I knew that I couldn't let you go...because I love you." Every time he said the words, they became easier to say.  
  
Draco stopped in front of Harry, within reach but not touching him. "No fear, Harry?"  
  
"I'm still afraid," Harry admitted softly. "I'm afraid that you've changed your mind, that you don't love me anymore. I'm afraid that you'll just turn away from me, as maybe you should." Harry looked at the ground. "I do fear, Draco, but not my own heart anymore."  
  
"Harry." Draco's voice was filled with joy, yet choked with tears. "How could you think that I don't love you anymore?"  
  
"Well...you haven't let on. It's like you only think of me as a friend now. Maybe you realized that I'm too damaged, I don't know, but-"  
  
Draco placed a finger over Harry's lips, halting his flow of words. "But nothing," he said, eyes shining with emotion. "I haven't said anything because I meant what I had told you-I didn't want to pressure you in any way. I thought it would be easier for you if I kept my affections to myself. But I still love you, Harry, very much so. In fact, I fall even more in love with you every day. You're not damaged, just hurting, as you have every right to. I could never forsake you. *Never*."  
  
"Draco...you have no idea how much hearing that means to me...." Harry reached out and placed a hand on Draco's shoulder. Responding to the touch, Draco drew him into an embrace. They stood there holding each other for quite some time before Draco brought his face to Harry's, aiming for a kiss. Before their lips could make contact, though, Harry pulled back and blushed shyly.  
  
"Harry?" Draco was instantly concerned. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"Please...don't take this the wrong way, Draco, but I'm not ready for that, not yet. I can tell you that I love you, and that is all. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be." Draco looked into Harry's eyes. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again now-I'll wait for you, Harry. I'll wait forever if need be. Already, I've gotten so much more than I had ever hoped for. Knowing you love me is more than enough for me, as is knowing that you *can* feel love again." He saw the look on Harry's face. "Now don't argue with me. I mean it. I accept and am glad for what you can give me. I will willingly wait for anything more."  
  
Draco pulled Harry into an embrace again and stood there as the woods came back to life around them.  
  
**********  
  
They told Remus that night, over dinner. Harry blushed the whole way through, but he was able to say the words, and one look into Harry's eyes convinced Remus that he meant them with all of his heart.  
  
"Harry." He hugged the boy. "I can't tell you how happy I am. I was afraid that you were shutting yourself off forever."  
  
"I was afraid too, Remus," Harry replied, voice muffled by Remus' shoulder. "But I was afraid of losing Draco more."  
  
Remus drew back from Harry and nodded. "I'm happy," he repeated. Then a mischievous twinkle appeared in his eye. "Should I be giving you that talk now?"  
  
"Remus!" Harry looked away, horribly embarrassed. "I hardly think that's necessary."  
  
"That's kind of you, Remus, but we're not ready for anything like that," Draco put in sincerely. "We're not going to jump into anything."  
  
"That makes me feel even better," Remus said, nodding. "You show good judgement, boys."  
  
The conversation around the table fell silent for a bit as everyone attended to their food. Finally, Remus broke the silence. "So, what's happening with the Weasleys?"  
  
The conversation continued. Draco didn't want to let Harry go by himself, but Harry reiterated his points from earlier, backed up by Remus. Faced with such a united front, Draco conceded, but only if he could have regular contact with Harry. Harry readily agreed to the idea, so within half an hour, the details were hammered out. Harry would be leaving the next morning. "So I don't get cold feet and back out," Harry said when Draco would have protested the leaving date.  
  
Later that night, Draco and Harry were in their room, trying to sleep, though sleep wasn't coming easy for either of them. "Harry?" Draco whispered into the silence.  
  
"Yes, Draco?"  
  
"Please be careful. Take care of your body...and your heart."  
  
"I will. Try not to worry about me too much, Draco."  
  
"I can't help it," came the whispered response. "I love you too much."  
  
"I love you too, and for that reason I will be taking care. Now, we need to get some sleep."  
  
"I suppose you're right." Draco sighed. "Good night, Harry."  
  
"Good night, Draco."  
  
********** 


	29. Not an update--Author's Note

This is not an update, so I'm sorry to disappoint.  
  
I am a college student, and come tomorrow, I will be heading back to the land of academia. Added to this, I am about to begin my student teaching semester-it begins on Monday-so my writing time will be limited.   
  
I will be working on my writing, but since the only reliable time I will have to write is on the weekends, only expect updates on Saturday or Sunday. If I finish something earlier than that, of course I will update, but weekends are to be my general rule.  
  
I'd like to thank everyone for the wonderful feedback that I've been getting, and I hope you can understand exactly why my prolific style of the summer is about to be curbed.  
  
Thank you, take care, and Goddess Bless :) 


	30. Arrival

Author's Note: Well, I survived the first week of my student teaching-excuse me, it's called a *teaching internship* now :-p At any rate, the first week is over. Of course, the students show up on Monday. Five classes of 9th grade Government-I'm not sure if I should be asking for blessings or not :-p Oh well, as I promised a week ago, here's some more of 'Ashes.'  
  
**********  
  
"Now, Harry, are you *sure* about this?"  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Honestly, I don't know who's worse-you or Draco."  
  
Remus grinned sheepishly. "It's my prerogative." He cleared his throat. "Now, you're going to Floo over to the Burrow. This fireplace is only connected to the Weasley's fireplace, and they have agreed to take theirs off the main system while you are there. If you need us, any time, day or night, just call or come home."  
  
"I hope I don't have to do that, though," Harry said quietly, staring into the flames. "I hope that I'll be able to stick it out."  
  
"Don't look at it that way," Remus advised. "It makes it seem more like a chore, not a visit to friends. At any rate, I think you're about set." He looked around. "Where's Draco?"  
  
Harry sighed. "I'm not sure, really. He didn't want to watch me go." He looked at Remus imploringly. "Watch out for him, Remus, please."  
  
Remus blinked, but nodded. "I will. Now, you better go-unless you've changed your mind, of course."  
  
Harry shook his head. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it, and gave Remus a hug instead. After releasing the other man, he stepped towards the fireplace and left without a backwards glance, almost as if he was afraid to.  
  
Remus stared into the fire for a few minutes after Harry had disappeared, thinking. With a sigh, he began to wander around the house.  
  
He located Draco in the den, staring moodily out the window. After observing the teen for a few moments, he entered the room and placed a hand on Draco's shoulder. "Care to talk about it, Draco?"  
  
**********  
  
Harry exited the Floo system with a jolt.   
  
Before he could even get his bearings back, he found himself swept into a tight hug. For a moment, his old panic came rushing back, before he recognized the voice of Ron's mother.  
  
"Oh, you poor thing," she murmured sadly. "You've been through so much...I wish we could've helped you...."  
  
Harry was trying to think of a tactful way of asking Mrs. Weasley to back off, but Ron solved the problem for him. "Mum, you're suffocating the poor guy! He's going to be here a full week-give him some space."  
  
Mrs. Weasley drew back, wiping her eyes. "Of course," she sniffed. "Harry. We're so happy to see you."  
  
'We?' Harry looked around the room. Other than Ron and his mother, Harry saw Bill leaning against the kitchen counter, the twins peering in the doorway, and Ginny standing next to Ron, gazing at him adoringly. Harry swallowed. 'This might be messy....' He wondered idly where Mr. Weasley was.  
  
"Thank you for the welcome," he said politely, nodding at Bill and directing a weak smile at the twins. "It was kind of you to extend the invitation."  
  
"Oh, don't be so formal!" Mrs. Weasley protested, waving a hand. "You're family."  
  
'Yes,' Harry thought. 'A family member that killed your *real* sons....'  
  
Ron seemed to sense his thoughts. He grabbed Harry and dragged him away, mumbling something about showing Harry where he was staying. Once they were safely in Ron's room, he turned and regarded his friend. "Don't do that," he scolded. "No one blames you."  
  
"You did, at one point," Harry pointed out.  
  
Ron flushed and looked down. "Well, I was stupid," he mumbled, then looked up again. "They aren't. Please, Harry, you're doing so well-don't let a misplaced sense of guilt spoil that."  
  
"I suppose that you're right." Harry sank down onto Ron's bed. "I just never realized how hard it was going to be, seeing everyone."  
  
"Hey," Ron tried to lighten the mood, "you made Ginny's day at least."  
  
Harry looked uncomfortable. "About Ginny," he said slowly. "There's been a new development, actually."  
  
"Really? Do tell?" Ron sat down next to Harry, looking genuinely interested.  
  
"You might get upset," Harry warned.  
  
"But I might now. Now spill."  
  
"Well...." It was Harry's turn to flush. "I...kind of realized that I love Draco," he muttered.  
  
Ron blinked. "Did you...say what I think you said?"  
  
Harry nodded, waiting for the explosion.  
  
Slowly, a smile blossomed over Ron's face. "I'm happy for you," he said sincerely. "I was wondering when you'd realize that."  
  
Harry's jaw dropped. "You...don't mind?"  
  
"Listen, Harry." Ron picked up his friend's hands and held them. "You're my best friend. I'd have given anything to heal you, but I've always known that only Draco could do that. Even when I refused to admit it, I still knew it. As long as you're happy, I have no complaints. He didn't force you into anything, did he?" Harry shook his head. "Well, then, that's all there is to it."  
  
Harry smiled, his first genuine smile since he had arrived. "Thank you, Ron." It was all he had to say."  
  
"Any time, mate. Now, let's get downstairs before Mum sends a search party."  
  
********** 


	31. Conversations and thoughts

Quick A/N: You know, I've been at school for only a week, and I'm on my 3rd keyboard? My one from last year ended up being broken, and the one I got to replace it had a non-functioning comma. It is impossible to write *anything* without a comma-I tried :-p  
  
**********  
  
That evening Harry realized that his memory wasn't quite up to speed when it came to the chaos of a Weasley dinner. Even with two people gone-Harry swallowed and pushed that thought away-the table was still all noise and activity.  
  
'Of course,' Harry mused ducking a roll, 'the presence of the twins *could* have a lot to do with that.' Another roll that he hadn't seen smacked him in the side of the head. Harry turned a mock-glare at the offending redhead. "So, *that's* how you treat guests, Fred?"  
  
Fred snickered. "But you're not a guest, Harry-you're like our brother. And you don't see us sparing Ron, do you?"  
  
Harry had to admit that Fred had a point. Ron was currently sulking, sporting magenta instead of red hair, courtesy of one of George's little tricks. 'I missed this,' Harry suddenly realized.   
  
Mrs. Weasley looked at him, concerned. "You haven't eaten nearly enough, dear," she fussed, looking at Harry's plate, still half-full.  
  
Harry shrugged. Eating was still something that he had to force himself to do more often than not. "It's delicious, ma'am, it really is, but I'm really not that hungry."  
  
"Are you sure you're all right?" Mrs. Weasley's eyes narrowed a little as she studied him. "Remus has been taking care of you, hasn't he?"  
  
"Oh, yes!" Harry exclaimed, a little shocked. 'Then again...maybe I *didn't* miss this....'  
  
"Mum! Leave the poor kid alone." George slung an arm about Harry's shoulder.  
  
Fred came up on his other side. "Don't scare the guy off so early in his visit." He winked at Harry reassuringly.  
  
Mrs. Weasley sat back a little. "You're right, boys, I know." She smiled at Harry. "I worry, though."  
  
"And I'm sure he appreciates it," Ron put in, standing hastily. "Now, if you'll excuse us, I think we'll head outside, get some fresh air and all." The three Weasley boys herded Harry out of the kitchen and out the back door."  
  
Bill, who had watched the whole scene with amusement, smiled at his mother over his coffee. "They have a point, Mum," he commented mildly. "You shouldn't worry so-Remus watches over him like a father, so Ron tells me."  
  
"But he's lost so much." Sensing that dinner was over, the woman rose and began clearing the table. "I'm terrified of something happening like that again."  
  
"Somehow," Bill mused, looking out the window to see his brother arrayed around Harry protectively, "I don't think that will ever happen."  
  
"Still," he mother persisted, "Harry shouldn't be alone. I've noticed Ginny watching him with a rather...intense interest. Maybe I should encourage her?"  
  
Bill choked on his coffee. "I really don't think that will help," was all he could say. He had overheard Harry's conversation with Ron earlier, and it was *quite* clear to him that Harry had no interest whatsoever in Ginny as anything but a friend.  
  
"I suppose...."  
  
To Bill, his mother sounded reluctant. "Mum, please. If you ignore everything else I say, please don't ignore this. Ginny is not what Harry needs. I think that would be one of the worst things you could do."  
  
Mrs. Weasley sighed. "All right, Bill, I'll accept your judgement for now."  
  
He smiled. "That's all I can ask."  
  
**********  
  
Ginny stood outside the kitchen door and frowned.  
  
'Why doesn't Bill think I'd be good for Harry?' she wondered, wandering over to a window where she could watch him. 'He's my brother-shouldn't he be supporting me?'  
  
She watched the way Harry interacted with her brothers. She hadn't seen him since before his...attempt, and she had been shocked at the changes the events had wrought in him. He was thinner, quieter...older. He seemed so fragile-even the twins seemed to treat him with some care.   
  
'Maybe that's it,' she thought. 'Maybe Bill's just afraid I'll come on too strong and scare Harry off. But I won't-I can be patient. He'll be here a week-there's no need to rush.'  
  
Mind made up, Ginny returned her full attention to the window.  
  
**********  
  
Harry chuckled as the twins demonstrated yet another experimental joke on an unsuspecting gnome. The gnome, now with straw for hair and covered with puce polka dots, ran for the hills of it's own free will.  
  
"Hmmm...," Fred mused, watching the gnome run. "The spots should've been lime green-where do you suppose we went wrong?"  
  
"Not sure." George thought about it, then shrugged. "We'll figure it out soon enough."  
  
Harry shook his head, smiling. "You guys are priceless."  
  
"But of course!" George glanced at his brothers, then leaned in towards Harry. "You want to hear a secret?" he asked in a stage whisper.  
  
Harry wondered briefly how he was being set up before deciding to go with it. "Sure," he replied, hoping that he wouldn't regret it.  
  
"We've only told Ron so far," Fred put in, "and he is not treating the issue with the seriousness it merits."  
  
Harry turned a questioning look on Ron, who rolled his eyes. "Just go with it," Ron advised.  
  
"All right." Harry turned back to George. "The secret?"  
  
"We," George announced solemnly, "have penguins in our closet."  
  
Harry blinked. "Penguins?" he questioned, mildly taken aback.  
  
Fred nodded in confirmation. "We found the first one last week. He has a pink stomach, so we named him Pinky."  
  
"We found him in my underwear drawer," George put in. "The perverted penguin!"  
  
"The second one turned up yesterday in my sock drawer," Fred continued. "We named him Blue, because he has baby blue stripes all over him."  
  
"Pinky...and Blue. Penguins." Harry couldn't decide whether to laugh or run. He went with option one, falling to the ground from lack of breath.  
  
Ron looked up to the sky, seeking divine intervention. "I'm surrounded by insanity!" he moaned. "In reality, though, he was just glad to see Harry laugh again, just like old times.  
  
Harry wiped tears from his eyes, catching his breath. 'I'm back,' he thought happily. 'I really am back.'  
  
**********  
  
Yes, another Author's Note: The penguins are property of my friend Lanette. She came up to me on Monday and told me about perverted Pinky, and Thursday she told me about Blue. I haven't seen her since-we've both been busy-but she could have more by now :-p I was talking to another friend today, and she informed me that Lanette is planning on taking the penguins clubbing with her tonight...well, the penguins or the freshmen she's mentoring, I couldn't tell which :) These are the people I willingly spend my free time with, folks-it should tell you something about me :-p  
  
And before you ask, no Lanette does not need to be on meds, nor do I. We're both perfectly sane-we just have an odd sense of humor :-p  
  
And...as I have an assignment to write tomorrow-my personal philosophy of education-here's my updates for the week. I hope you enjoy them, and have a good weekend! I'll have more next weekend if I survive next week-the students arrive!  
  
********** 


	32. Happy?

Author's Note: I am *so* sorry for not updating last weekend! I ended up having to go home to take care of some car trouble, so I never got the chance to write. And, of course, this week was crazy, and I was celebrating a fiend's birthday yesterday, so.... Well, I hope you accept my apology and enjoy this part.  
  
I may not be able to update next weekend either. I have to go home again, for reasons that are both fun and serious. So if you don't see anything from me next weekend, don't bee *too* surprised.  
  
**********  
  
Between the twins' insanity, Ron's teasing, and the general chaos of the Weasley household, it was two days before Harry realized that he hadn't felt like crying once the whole time. The thought caught up with him while he was helping dry the supper dishes, and the surprise of it made him accidentally drop a plate on the floor.  
  
Ron jumped at the sound of shattering porcelain. "Harry? Something wrong?"  
  
Harry shook his head, laughter shining in his eyes. "Ron...I think...I might actually be *happy*!"  
  
Ron wasn't sure whether to rejoice in this, or whether he should pay heed to the little voice inside him that was saddened at Harry's incredulous tone. Shoving the voice away, he chose to focus on the former. "You don't know how glad I am to hear that," he said, softly but sincerely.  
  
Harry turned to look out the window over the kitchen sink. "Happy," he repeated, voice still tinged with disbelief. "Do you know how long it's been since I could honestly say that?" He continued before Ron could guess. "Two years."  
  
Ron blinked, shock apparent on his features. "*Years*? That long? Harry, why didn't you *say* anything?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "It never seemed important."  
  
Ron opened his mouth, closed it almost immediately, and sighed instead. Finally, when he felt that he had some control over his words, he said, "I'm not even going to comment on that, since I know that all it will get me is nowhere fast. But...what happened?"  
  
"Cedric," was Harry's answer. "Before then it didn't seem...real, you know? Remember, I wasn't raised with stories about Voldemort's evil, like you were. Even after all the stuff with the Stone, it just seemed...distant. I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about, really. I had no context, nothing. All I knew was that I had apparently defeated some evil, and that I only had on hearsay alone. When Cedric was...killed, and Voldemort got his body back, it became...real to me. And I couldn't hide from anything anymore."  
  
Harry regarded his friend. "I was fourteen, and I watched someone die in front of me. From then on, I was different. And I found it impossible to be happy like I had been before. Welcome to reality."  
  
"Harry...." Ron was at a loss for words. How could he have missed something so big for so long? 'What kind of friend am I, anyway?'  
  
"Don't go blaming yourself," Harry said, seemingly reading Ron's mind. "I didn't even really know until recently, when I had a chance to think about things. I hid my feelings so well that I had even managed to hide them from myself."  
  
"But it's getting better, right Harry? I mean, you're able to talk about this now. You've got your friends, Remus, and now Draco in your life."   
  
Harry smiled and jumped up to sit on the counter. "It has gotten better, Ron. I think that we're even better friends than we were before, I feel like I finally have a family, and Draco...." He sighed happily. "Love is so wonderful, Ron. I don't know why I spent so much time hiding from it. I sometimes wonder just why Draco loves me, but I know that I love him...with all my heart."  
  
Ron grinned and was about to reply, but a choked gasp from the other side of the kitchen door cut him off. Curious, he opened the door to see Ginny's tearstained face staring back at him.  
  
Ginny looked straight through Ron, eyes focused on Harry. "You...love him?" she asked, voice practically begging Harry to take his words back. 'Please...let me have misheard...let this all be a bad dream....'  
  
However, it was not meant to be. Harry got off the counter and approached Ginny cautiously. When they were face-to-face, Harry began to speak, knowing he was about to break Ginny's heart, but knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop it.  
  
In as gentle a voice as possible, Harry said, "Yes, Ginny, I am in love with Draco. I can't tell you when it began, but it has happened. He loves me, and I love him."  
  
"No," Ginny whispered, shaking her head in denial. "I...it's supposed to be you and me. Everyone thinks so. I've loved you for so long, Harry...why can't you be with me?"  
  
Harry closed his eyes, his earlier feelings of happiness disappearing, melting like ice in the sun. "Because you're not Draco."  
  
Ginny let out a gasping sob and ran from the room, face buried in her hands. Watching her go, Harry collapsed to his knees, tears coursing down his face unheeded. "I'm sorry...I didn't want to hurt you...."  
  
Ron kneeled next to his friend and enfolded him in a hug, allowing Harry to cry against his shoulder. "She'll be fine, Harry. I know you didn't mean to hurt her, and I'm sure that she knows it, too. It's not your fault that you don't love her, and you tried to be as gentle as possible about letting her down."  
  
Harry leaned into Ron, allowing his friend to support him. "I think...I think I want to go home now, please."  
  
**********  
  
An hour later, Harry stood next to the fireplace, bag in hand. "Thank you for your hospitality, Mrs. Weasley."  
  
The woman looked miserable as she regarded Harry. "You know that you don't have to leave."  
  
"I know that, but the fact remains that my presence will make poor Ginny miserable, and I have no desire to do that. I can't love her like she wants, but I see her like a sister, and for that reason alone, I don't want to make this any more difficult on her than it already is."  
  
"You're a noble soul, Harry Potter." Ron's mother took Harry's hands in her own. "Don't be a stranger. In a couple weeks this will all have blown over."  
  
Harry smiled, hugged Ron, and left for his home.  
  
Five seconds later, Harry came tumbling out of Remus' fireplace, scaring Draco half to death in the process. He waved away the cloud of ash that had been raised and blinked in shock. "Harry? What are you doing home?"  
  
Harry picked himself off the floor and threw himself into Draco's arms. "I love you, Draco."  
  
"I love you too, Harry." Draco's hands came up to caress Harry's hair. "What brought this on?"  
  
"Nothing...I'm just so glad that I love you...and that you love me...and I wish that people didn't have to hurt!" Harry buried his face in Draco's shirt and just allowed himself to relax in the other teen's presence.  
  
Draco said nothing more, just held onto his love. Something had happened, he was sure, but he was content to wait until Harry was ready to talk about it.  
  
For Harry, he'd wait a lifetime.  
  
********** 


	33. Preparations

Author's Note: First, I want to say that I'm *SO* *SORRY* for not having written anything on this since September. I had the student teaching semester from Hell, and when I wasn't at the high school teaching, I was calling parents, grading papers, preparing lessons, writing lesson plans, doing work for my college course, and, occasionally sleeping. I just had no time. Then I didn't have my computer for a few weeks, *then* a Winterim class.... *sighs* Well, I'm sorry I've kept those of you who were following this story waiting, and I hope that this part makes up for at least a bit of the wait.  
  
Just so y'all know, I've decided that I've given up setting deadlines for myself about this story, except for one. I want to have this finished by graduation, May 24th. Beyond that, I want to make my last semester a good one, so school will come first and foremost.  
  
One last thing before this part starts. I'd like to give public thanks to three people who helped me keep my sanity during this past semester. One I know does read this fic, another might, and the third probably never will, but I want to make my gratitude know.  
  
First, to Jackie. You helped keep me sane in that school, girl, and I ma forever grateful. You remembered what it was like and convinced me that it *would* end one day. Thank you.  
  
Second, to April. I can't begin to tell you what you mean to me. Jackie might've kept me sane at the high school, but you kept me sane when I needed it most. I'm sorry if I ever scared you, I really am. You are my best friend, and my sister in everything except blood.  
  
Last, but definitely not least, to Tea. You weren't here in body, but you were in spirit. Your emails gave me a much-needed dose of humor, and I knew that I could always talk to you if I needed to. I can't wait until you get home and we can terrorize Baltimore together :-p Yes, CoS *did* rock, Snape *was* hot, and I'm sure we're both holding our breaths until June 21st :)  
  
Ladies, this part is dedicated to you.  
  
**********   
  
A week after Harry's abrupt return, Draco was beginning to get frustrated with he love's silence. He *knew* that something had to have happened at the Weasley's, but Harry was being extremely close-mouthed on the subject. Asking Harry had gotten Draco absolutely nowhere, and he had given up beating his head against that particular brick wall and instead reverted to studying Harry whenever he got the chance, trying to figure out the mystery.  
  
It was during one such evening, when Harry was reading and Draco was ostensibly reading, when Remus made the announcement that both teens had forgotten about: "So, you head back to Hogwarts in a week."  
  
Harry dropped his book upon hearing Remus' words. "Are you sure?" he questioned. He remembered receiving the letter on his birthday, same as every year, but surely almost a month couldn't have passed since then.  
  
Remus grabbed a calendar off his desk and tossed it to Harry. "Look for yourself."  
  
Harry studied the calendar. Sure enough, it was right there in front of him. "Hogwarts...it is that time," he said quietly. Suddenly, the calendar fell from nerveless fingers. "I don't think I can do this." Harry's mind flashed to a view of the Gryffindor common room with everyone there...with Ginny there. "I'm not sure about this at all."  
  
Draco moved to the couch where Harry was sitting and put an arm around his trembling boyfriend. "What is it, Harry?" he questioned softly. "You've been doing so well...when we got the letters, you seemed excited to head back."  
  
"I...was." Harry leaned his head on Draco's shoulder. "But, now I'll have to see...."  
  
"See who, Harry?"  
  
"Ginny." Harry blinked, and a tear fell from his eye. "I broke her heart, and I don't know if I can see her again, not so soon."  
  
"Is that why you left Ron's the way you did?" Draco asked, holing Harry close. The mystery had finally been solved.  
  
"Yes...I hurt her, badly, and I didn't intend to. I...I don't love her, I love *you*, but, for a minute...I felt like I had betrayed someone."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"I don't know. Ginny, maybe, for not having told her the truth. The Weasleys'; they've been so kind to me, maybe falling for their daughter was the least I could've done. Even, in a way...you."   
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yes, you!" Harry pulled away from Draco and stood, beginning to pace around the room. "It's you I love, yet Ginny thought I could have feelings for her. What did I do, to encourage her like that? I must've dome *something*...I had to have."  
  
"Oh, Harry." Draco stood as well, but wisely didn't try to approach Harry in his agitated state. "She's had a crush on you from the moment she first walked into Hogwarts-we all saw that. Maybe she's had it for longer, I don't know. And, unless you were engaging in questionable activities in Gryffindor Tower, I've only seen you treat her like your best friend's little sister-no more, no less."  
  
Harry moved to the window and stared out at the forest, as if the trees had the answers he sought. "It's so confusing," he said quietly after a brief silence. "I don't understand what she sees in me...what you see in me. I'm nothing special, just another teenager."  
  
"You're *not* 'just another teenager,' and I don't mean all that 'Boy Who Lived' stuff either," Draco countered. "You're intelligent, funny, sensitive, talented...you have so many gifts, and you don't even realize it! That just makes you more attractive-you aren't cocky."  
  
"Unlike some blondes I know?" Harry asked slyly, the beginnings of a smile pulling on his lips.  
  
Draco laughed. "I deserve that," he readily admitted. Expression softening, he neared Harry and cupped his hand around Harry's cheek. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "And I don't mean beautiful in that 'girly' sense, either. There's something about you that just makes you seem...almost unreal. Sometimes you remind me of one of those Greek statues-a beauty that cannot be described or contained."  
  
Harry blushed and leaned into Draco's touch. "You...really see that when you look at me?" he asked, unsure and timid.  
  
"How could I not?" Draco was filled with an overwhelming urge to kiss his love, but he restrained himself. 'Wait until *he's* ready,' he reminded himself.  
  
There were no more words between the two.  
  
**********  
  
Two days later found the three men in the barely controlled chaos that called itself Diagon Alley.  
  
Harry was tense, but his discomfort was only apparent to Draco and Remus. In unspoken agreement, the two kept Harry between them, supporting him in this first foray amongst strangers.  
  
They went about their business, purchasing robes, supplies, and books. Harry had purposely combed his hair over to try and hide the scar, but, of course, the wind conspired to make sure that it never stayed hidden.  
  
Harry stopped in the middle of the street, arms full of packages, and wished for a third hand as he tried to rearrange his hair. "All the Gods curse it," he practically snarled, causing Draco to break out in giggles. "Why can't my hair do what I want it to do, just *once*?" He whirled on his boyfriend, now in hysterics. "And who asked you for commentary?"  
  
He was about to stalk off, all dignity, when it happened. The one thing he had been dreading the whole time he had been out in public. "Look! It's him! Harry Potter!"  
  
"Oh, Lord," Remus groaned, as he and Draco rushed to run interference. The two men managed to form a rather effective wall around Harry as they ushered him back to the Leaky Cauldron and the waiting fireplace, the whole way having to bat off admirers and ill-wishers alike.  
  
"They're worse than mosquitoes," was the first thing out of Remus' mouth as they landed back in his study. "Honestly, can't a person do a little shopping without being mobbed these day?"  
  
Harry, who had moved to sit on the couch, looked up, a sober expression on his face. "It's just the beginning," he said. "I mean, they know I'm alive and walking around the world. They might not be able to find me here, but eventually, they're all going to realize that I'm going back to Hogwarts. And as good as the Headmaster's security is, there are always...loopholes."  
  
"Like unregistered Animagi. Harry, have I ever apologized for setting her loose on you like that?"  
  
Harry shook his head. "What's done is done. I know *you* won't do that again, but I don't know what my reception will really be like once I go back. Someone might be perfectly willing to pry into my life story."  
  
"I won't let that happen. Not to you." Draco's jaw was set, and his fists were clenched as if his sheer force of will could prevent the possibility.  
  
"Draco, be reasonable. It's a big castle; you can't be everywhere, and you can't influence everyone."  
  
Remus raised his eyebrow at Harry's tone. "You have something else in mind?"  
  
"Just an idea that I've been toying with."  
  
"Well? We're waiting."  
  
"You see, it's like this." Harry cleared his throat, and stared at a portion of wall as if it were the most fascinating thing in the universe. "I'm not really thrilled with this option, but if I have a press conference or something like that and lay everything out for all to see, then there will be nothing to hang over my head. And it will be *my* words, too, not someone else's."  
  
Draco was doubtful. "But you know journalists-they never use the exact story they get."  
  
"But it's better than nothing." Harry crossed his arms and stuck out his lower lip in stubborn defiance.  
  
Draco threw his arms up into the air. "Remy, *you* talk to him!"  
  
"I don't know." Remus stroked his chin thoughtfully. "You both have good points. Harry might have the right idea, though I'd caution you to wait until *after* you get back to school, and if anything happens. That way, anything you say you sound like a rationalized response to irrational people rather than a preemptive strike."  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow. "You know, I like the sound of that. It would be nice, I think, to be the rational one."  
  
Remus raised a hand in warning. "Just as long as you know, Harry, that it won't be easy, no matter how you do it. People are still people, and their words *could* still be used against you."  
  
"But they'll be attacking with *my* words...and I'll know how to defend."  
  
"You're really dead set on this, aren't you?"  
  
"Yes, Draco, I am now. I think...I think that it would really be for the best."  
  
Before Draco could offer up another argument, Remus jumped in with a topic change. "So, now that you've got your supplies, how are you getting back to school?"  
  
Draco blinked. "There's an option besides the Hogwarts Express?"  
  
"Yeah, flying cars." Harry smiled softly, the picture of innocence.  
  
"Don't even go there, young man," Remus warned. "What I meant was, yes, you can rake the train if you so desire. I've been talking to Albus, though, and he has offered to find you an alternate means of transportation if you so desire."  
  
Both boys looked thoughtful. "It would be nice to see some of my other friends again," Draco mused, "though don't get me wrong-I've enjoyed being with you immensely, Harry, you know that. What it really boils down to is-what are *you* ready for, Harry?"  
  
Harry sighed. "It would just raise more questions and speculation if I *didn't* take the train, really. And, besides, those compartments are easy to close off. I...I think I should do it."  
  
"Harry, are you sure?" questioned Remus. "No one who cares about you would think less of you. And we both know it will be hard enough to face the Great Hall. I'm not trying to dissuade you, mind, I just want you to know that there are options."  
  
"No," Harry said slowly, "I think I'm sure. If we get there right before the train leaves, and I owl Ron to save us a compartment, it won't be too bad. You know Ron-he won't let anyone near if he thinks they might hurt me."  
  
"All right, it's settled, then. I'll just be letting Albus know. Why don't you write Ron and let him know what's going on?"  
  
"Sounds like a plan." Harry was about to leave the room when a touch on his arm stopped him.  
  
"I want you to know, Harry, I think you're being very brave for doing this. I'm not sure I could've, if I was in your position." Draco looked at the floor, feeling slightly embarrassed at his words.  
  
"Draco, look at me," Harry said softly. When Draco looked up, he continued. "The fact that you can tell me that is the best thing I think I could've heard. Maybe...maybe I am getting better, after all."  
  
He hugged Draco, then pulled away, flashing a quick smile. "Come on, then. Let's go back to Hogwarts."  
  
********** 


End file.
